Poppy Cedes

I really need to get a job. I’m a very much homebody who will go weeks without leaving my apartment if given the opportunity. Yesterday I admitted to Dawg that I had intended to mail a letter since last week but haven’t felt like leaving our home and his response was to smile and say “ya gotta go out.” So I drank all my milk last night to force myself to have to leave the apartment to go to the grocery store to get milk the next day so that I would have some for filming Cereal Wednesday, and presumably allow me to mail my letter. That worked — I went out today.

Some of you know that during the outing I had an incident with a bottle of malt vinegar. It didn’t survive, but I didn’t cut myself cleaning up the shards that spilled all over the driveway of the next door neighbor. I started getting really, really angry. Angry that it was hot. Angry that I had intended to get that malt vinegar many times before and finally got it only to smash it on the ground. Angry that my groceries were so heavy. Angry that I hate leaving my home and this is EXACTLY WHY.

And then I finally got inside and violently shrugged all the grocery bags out of my hands and started putting groceries away, angrily, furious with myself that I STILL hadn’t mailed my letter yet and now THIS happens, and then the Dove ice cream bars wouldn’t sit correctly on top of the Mystic pizza boxes in the freezer and I started getting PISSED and ramming the boxes in… and then the rational part of me showed up and yelled at me, out loud: “Stef, you need to CALM DOWN, this is NOT worth being angry over, and none of this even MATTERS.”

And then I really had to go mail the letter because it’s actually due to be in Connecticut by tomorrow, not that this will even happen, but keeping it in my possession wasn’t going to get it there any faster. So I went back downstairs to mail the letter. And I walked by a burnt out car parked the wrong way on the one way street where our police precinct resides. And I thought that through. This car burned out. Perhaps starting while people were in it. Hopefully not finishing with people in it. The wheels were still fine but the car had fallen down on itself, perhaps because the axle broke or melted or, I dunno, but it wasn’t good, and all the glass was broken, and I could smell the char as I walked by, and I thought, “hmm, I wonder how that car got parked the wrong way and then burned down” and then I mailed my letter. As I walked back through I let my grown-up mind take over and realized the car burned somewhere else, probably in a parking lot or on the side of a road or on a bridge (why do SO MANY cars here catch fire while they’re on a bridge? I don’t know, but it’s true) and then it was extinguished and the car was brought to my neighborhood because someone in my neighborhood owns that car so a tow truck parked it in the one spot it found, and since the tow truck would be travelling with the one-way traffic it put the burned out car, which was loaded onto the tow truck backwards in the first place, right?, onto the street so that an insurance adjuster and a police officer and the owner could evaluate it and the rest of us could wonder under what circumstances that car caught fire.

And suddenly my bad day just doesn’t seem so bad.

Please go read this post, it helps us put our bad stuff into perspective. My favorite line: “Everything is actually only around 8% as terrible as you think it is. Quote me.”

We find inspiration in random places sometimes. Yesterday I was greedily looking through my Facebook statuses for more FarmVille gifts (please don’t judge me for this, I used to hardcore garden in Vermont, and I cannot do so here really, so virtual is all I’ve got) and noticed my previous-blogger-but-now-Twitter-and-FB pal to the East, Frankie, posted the following status:

There’s no such thing as “impossible”. The word itself says “I’m Possible”.

Indeed.

Today I found this video on rickey.org of what was described as Indian pole gymnastics, correctly termed in the video as Mallakhamb:

Physics seems defied. I am astounded by the agility of men of differing shapes and sizes, and the complete abandon of laws of gravity by the boy at the end.

The next time you tell yourself something is “impossible” remember to change it to “I’m Possible”.

Which is to say: I know you can do it, just make sure to let yourself know too.

Some family news I kind of suspected since I was a kid was confirmed today. It’s sitting very uncomfortably with me. Its consequences are steep and far reaching. And that’s all I can say because it’s not my news to share. Suffice it to say, you’re just never prepared to hear bad news.

I’m not even kidding. I love that man. If he created an official religion I’d be a part of it. (Did he do that? Crap.)

In addition to explaining his philosophy on Possession he also invited me to a party where I learned to love roller coasters. The man’s a genius. Seriously. And I cannot even explain to you all that I learned from this trip. But I can tell you there’s no one else I would have rather gone to SWCV with than Dawg. That was, hands down, the best vacation ever.

I wish I could pick the best out of the 641 photos I took so you wouldn’t have to look through them all to see what I saw, but I cannot do that. You need to go look at them all. So, here they are.

I’ll give you this one, though:

You’re welcome.

I’m leaving Wednesday for sunny Orlando where I will attend Star Wars Celebration V and see the (I forget their new name now that the word “mafia” isn’t in it, but I mean my friends). I am leaving my home with a gaping hole in the living room wall and no pipe connected to the toilet. There’s also a drop cloth, an emptied water bottle, and wall shit. When I come back it all better be like nothing ever happened in that corner or else I know who I’m visiting first thing Monday morning with my Dark Lords Rule commemorative baseball bat.

I just want to squee a little tiny bit more that during this trip I will be meeting many of my friends’ children for the first or second time. I love kids, so I’m excited to see them all and see what damage we can cause when we’re all together in one group.

See you on the flip, I don’t plan to blog while there. I do plan to tweet, though. TWEET!

And don’t worry, Mama Dawg is taking good care of the girls, cuz I’m dragging Dawg‘s ass with me to the conference. ;) Also, I have a 3-day crop going in FarmVille, and 1 bottle of unwither in case it decides to croak on the 4th day instead of the 6th.

Byebye, chicken pies!

It’s Georgie’s 6th birthday today.

She’s spending it dreaming about mousies under my bed. I’m going to surprise her with some Mommy-Georgie time. Bye. :)

So, I went all the way to Pennsylvania to hang out for the day. Why would I do that?

For Bubblewench.

Highlights:
I got to meet Shannon’s entire family, including her husband Scott (a mad cool guy), Grandma (a mad cool lady), and “Debbie aka Deb-o-rah” (another mad cool lady who demands your respect if you work with her). :)

I got to hug Shannon, Karl, Angel, Rachel, and Robin.

I GOT TO MEET LUCKY AND BOO-BOO! and the birdies! and another kitty! And Shannon’s mom’s dog Otter!

I did not get arrested. And neither did anyone else, even though the cops tried their very hardest to set Shannon’s husband off like the very fireworks they were telling us we weren’t allowed to set off. :)

I was escorted to the bathroom by the lovely Angel who is the BEST bathroom escort ever. She even peed a little laughing so hard when I told her my funny story about the cleaning lady not letting me use my own bathroom so I had to bring a bowl into my bedroom and pee in it. (True story.)

I am not sure this is a highlight, but more of a proud moment for ninja girls everywhere when I was told by Shannon’s brother-in-law to pole dance on the metal tent poles, TWICE, IN FRONT OF HIS GIRLFRIEND, so I told him off. Poppy is not a stripper, yo. Poppy is a respectable lady and demands that you treat her as such. Unlike that fucking dirty whore Molly Pitcher* who has the clap and splinters from riding the wooden pole.

I had Yuengling on tap and in a bottle for the first time ever, then chased it with a delicious Chick-fil-A spicy chicken sammie and waffle fries.

I had a pineapple and coconut concoction made for me by Angel. :)

I went to a party in another state with only my ID card and my Droid and a bottle of bug spray and some cash as personal possessions. That was nutsoid.

I watched badminton and horseshoes played in the dark.

I went home feeling completely sober and woke up with the worst hangover I’ve ever had ever ever ever but it was well worth it. :)

And here are a few photos from the event:

Click above to see the flickr set.

*I promise I only mean that the rest area off the NJ turnpike is all those horrible things. I never knew the wife of the wounded rebel soldier. I’m guessing she was lovely.

I’m not going to BlogHer, but I want to suggest that anyone who is coming to NYC as a visitor pay attention to some tips from an NYC import:

- Make sure that any printed, PDF, app, or website versions of the subway infrastructure you use for reference is updated to June 2010 version. If your version of the subway map includes a V train you’ve got an old map. (The V train no longer exists.) MTA.info has the latest map in PDF form.

- Make sure to read ALL posted signs about service changes, paying close attention to train letters/numbers, dates, and times and whether the times are in AM and/or PM. Service changes are very tricky, take the time to process what you read. Ask someone else if the sign confuses you.

- Don’t hang out on deserted parts of the subway platform alone. Just don’t.

- If you see a red glowing light at a subway entrance it just means there’s no human there to help you. Go in, it’s ok. If the station is completely closed there will be gates up to tell you.

- If something is barracading an entrance to a station DON’T GO IN. :)

- Don’t flash your money or personal belongings around on the train, on the platform, going into the station, etc. unless you want to be robbed or followed then robbed.

- Your cell phone won’t work on the trains. Don’t rely on it to save you. Be smart, stay alert, all that good stuff.

- If you get lost ask someone who looks ok to ask. If that turns out to be a mistake, walk away and ask someone else. You have no obligation to continue engaging with a crazy person.

- We all get on the wrong train or end up going the wrong direction. It’s ok to be embarrassed, but it’s ok to get off at the next stop too. And it’s ok to look at a map.

- If people solicit you on the train it’s ok to ignore them.

- If someone makes you feel fear while you’re on the train, move away from them. Change cars at the next stop if you need to, but unless you’re in actual danger DO NOT go between cars via the doors that say not to use them. You don’t want to fall and you don’t want a ticket.

- If you drop something over the side of the platform do not jump down on the tracks to “save” it. That’s a death wish.

- Hold on tight while the train is moving. The drivers love to jostle us around. :)

- Don’t freak out at the turnstyle if your Metro Card doesn’t work. Just try swiping it 5 billion more times, and if that doesn’t work then run it through a card reader to the side of the turnstyles to verify it has money. If you were trying to use a single user card for multiple people the card is smart enough to know what time it was swiped and will deny you. You need to buy multiple cards.

- New York City is a grid. When you come up from below start walking in a direction that feels right. If the street numbers don’t go the way you were hoping, just turn around. It’s ok. You can turn around. No one even cares.

- Expect escalators and/or elevators to be out of service. That means you have to walk. WEAR SENSIBLE SHOES.

- The doors to the trains are operated by a human in the middle car of the train. They’re automatic in the sense that they re-open if they hit an object, but a person pushes the button to close them initially. So, be quick about getting on and off the train, but don’t FREAK OUT that you’re going to get stuck on the wrong side.

- Let people off before you get on, assert yourself off the train before others get on. Glare at people who violate these rules, but keep walking. :)

If I didn’t cover something you were wondering about subway navigation please ask me, please, please, I beg of you.

Friends who live in NYC – other tips?

You are the best freak, freak, freak of the week!!!!! <3

Go wish Robin a happiest of birthdays!!!!!!

I’m 14 again! Ok, really I’m 36, but does anyone think I actually act my age? Well, maybe people I work with. I’m like a mullet — business in the front, PARTY IN THE NOT FRONT PEOPLE!

So, Friday I decided to go see Inception by myself. Great movie, made me really depressed and contemplate life as I was walking out of the theater, but I am looking forward to seeing it again with other humans. Friday night I watched wrestling with Dawg before he had to go do overnight vollies with KC then I watched In a Day on Netflix. It’s a movie about a woman whose day starts our very unwell then goes well then there’s a conflict about whether it was really a good day at all.

Saturday I had Special K Blueberry for breakfast and harvested my FarmVille farm, then Dawg woke up and we went to the Georgia Diner for lunch, the mall to get me A DROID X (we are now a Droid family on a family plan, woooooot!), then to the Lego store where we hung out with R2-D2, then we went to Radio Shack to buy a slim line phone for my PHONE INTERVIEW FOR A JOB ON MONDAY (people, don’t get all excited, I don’t have the job yet), then we went over to Mama Dawg’s and I opened an adorable cat coming out of a box gift from Adam with instructions only in Japanese as well as gifts from Dawg’s parents — money for underwear and money for A CLEANING LADY TO COME OVER ON FRIDAY (people, quit getting so damn excited, it’s not like you’re coming over to use my bathroom anytime soon, jeez, it’ll be dirty again by then). After prezzies we went to dinner at Barosa and waited an obscenely long time for them to kill the animals with which to make our dinners but we had a great time just talking about family stuff then after dinner we went back to Mama Dawg’s and had Twilight ice cream cake. Team Wolf Boy, rawwwwwr! Then we went home and at midnight I turned around from my desk to say “Dawggy, it’s my birthday!” but he was already stealthily walking over to me to give me a kiss and wish me a happy birthday so I caught him in mid-step, hehe. Then on the way to bed I found cards from Dawggy and each of the kitties. In Ripley’s card was a FarmVille gift card!!!! In Georgie’s card was a birthday wish in RUSSIAN (she’s a Russian Blue). In Allie’s card was a birthday wish in FRENCH (she speaks French as her first language because of when I got her in life). In Twitter’s card was a stinkbomb (kidding, it was her talking in her NEUROTIC ALL CAPS VOICE). In Dawg’s card was a hula girl on a car dashboard, which is our trip to Hawaii (as in, the card is as close as we’re getting to Hawaii).

In the morning Twitter woke me up at 6:30am to eat my toes and scratch my face so I got up for a minute and added my FarmVille gift card to my farm so I could buy a golden retriever named Zoe, the final nail for my beehive, and a birthday cake then Dawg dragged me back to bed and I slept until 10:15am! YAY! Then I got out of bed and we sat down at the couch and I opened presents from Bdogg, Dawg’s Aunt Honey, my grandmother, and myself. Then we made pretzel bites and watched The Crazies on Movies on Demand (loved it! see it! have a hand to hold!). After the movie I got ready to go out to dinner with Dawg to the Waterfront Crab House where I proceeded to stuff myself silly with a Coke, a bloomin’ onion, salad with blue cheese (they do an Italian vinaigrette with gorgonzola for their blue), baked potato, filet mignon, a glass of French Merlot, a key lime tart TO DIE FOR, a single shot espresso, and a coffee.

We then came home and went into food comas while watching Terminator: Salvation. The rest of the night will be spent watching True Blood and hanging with the kitties, then a little bit of well deserved birthday sex. :) A fantastic birthday.

Thank you all so much for your calls, blog posts, tweets, FB wall messages, text messages, email wishes, cards, gift certificates, tangible items, and your general caring for my existence. You contributed to an awesome birthday.

<3

Pictures of my fantastic birthday (hover for captions) ...