Poppy Cedes

This post will help me add to my self worth tank and hopefully adds a little bit to the others in this photo. Who all happen to be bloggers (at least the ones you can see).

This was taken at breakfast in Altamonte Springs, FL the morning of October 24, 2009.

From left front, clockwise to right front I will now exact my tank fillage:

Me, Poppy: You are beautiful, mad intelligent, quirky, and helpful. You actually genuinely care about other people but know when it’s a really good idea to turn away from things that are toxic. You love your wrists, your button nose, and your funny Buddha belly. Your hair really is gorgeous, it doesn’t need to be red for people to love you. It does not define your worth. What’s on the inside does. And what’s inside of you is a treasure that keeps surprising me daily. Keep on surprising me, kid.

Dawg: You are always there for other people. Always. You speak your mind, you don’t care what other people think about you, you drink girlyie coffee and don’t care, you tell me my cooking is yummy even if you don’t like it (tofu!), you take wonderful care of our kids, you work so very hard and do amazing stuff in your field that makes me proud to even know you, let alone be your girlfriend.

Finn: You are so incredibly sage. I turn to you when I need advice. You are beautiful on the inside and out. You aren’t afraid to say out loud something that might not be considered socially acceptable, or if you are afraid then you do a great job of hiding your fear. You admit when you are unhappy and that makes you even more loveable. I look forward to seeing you whenever I know we will be in the same place. I often forget you don’t live here with me, and think so fondly of our time together at Pinch and S’mac and the bagel place. I just adore your presence, no words need be exchanged. You make my heart sing by just being you.

(I am skipping Mister. He is awesome, but I think he’d prefer that I NOT embarrass him on the internets by calling attention to him. :)

Robin: You have gone through a lot of shit in life and you still come out the other side a strong, confident woman who doesn’t take anyone’s bullshit. And on those vulnerable days when you’re beaten too far down you tell us so we can help you crawl out. It takes so much strength to ask for help. You are so strong. You are an amazing person, so intelligent, so strong in knowing you deserve respect and to be treated well and like a fucking human being! And I love that you laugh at stuff that old ladies don’t understand. I love that you really want to get laid and consider marrying your laptop. I love that you just randomly start dancing to “Freak of the Week”. (Did I mention you are strong? I did? Oh, ok. :)

Rachel: You have fantastic boobies, you are an incredible aunt to Princess, you magically have the most awesome home despite having the shittiest job on the fucking planet, and you are doing something to better your life instead of letting that shitty fucking job tear you into oblivion. Courage, bravery. Also, guys, she has fantastic legs. If you’re a boob or a leg man… c’mon. You amuse me by trying to plan out every minute of life, and I know I tease you about that, but I’m a jackass to you and you still love me for it so that makes you extra awesome.

Kim: I had no idea who you were before that weekend. I just didn’t know anything about you. And the person I met was confident and open to people despite having gone and going through some seriously horrible shit. You had me at corn beef hash (which you know I hate). You are so charming and genuine and fun and beautiful inside and out. You deserve very good things in your life, and you make those good things happen. I admire your strength.
I admire your courage. I admire how well you have it together, but when you’re having a tough time you say something so your friends can help you through. Thank you for being you.

Ren: I was wrong about you when I first met you. I didn’t know you so well and I thought you were a stalker so I was very guarded around you. And I definitely do feel bad about that because I tried again to see your awesome qualities and realized that you are an awesome father and husband, an amazing photographer, a genuine friend with a pure heart (no stalker in there, just an actual nice guy, which is bizarrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee, I mean, who’s a nice guy anymore?! YOU!), and you have your friends’ backs.

These people are family to me.

There are so many more people to boost in life. Keep passing on the good stuff, people. You build up your self worth by finding the very best in others. I promise.

I recently learned that my personal self worth is directly related to my ability to trust others. In learning this fact I also was able to realize that, through every fault of my own, I allowed my self worth tank to become very depleted.

It’s really much easier to allow my self worth to become very low than it is to keep it maintained at a healthy level. And I know I’ve spent way more of my life allowing my self worth tank to run on low or empty than I have allowed it to be above 3/4 full.

But in order to maintain healthy, productive, growing, nurturing relationships with those around me I need to put in that effort for others, and most of all for myself, in believing that I am worthy to:

be loved
love
be trusted
trust
be my partner’s one and only
be faithful to my partner

To believe I don’t deserve happiness, to believe that those closest to me are really just around to hurt me, will result in them leaving me eventually. Because who the hell wants to live life walking on eggshells trying to figure out how not to upset me just because I haven’t done the work to keep my self worth at a stable level so that I don’t become a paranoid mess in the corner? And it will, in fact, be my fault that I pushed them away. Self sabotage. (boooooo hissssss)

What I’ve learned also about self worth is that it is very difficult to build my own self worth back up, but it’s a lot easier to build others’ self worth with my words. I really do need help from others to remind me of why I deserve good things in my life rather than bad. I normally don’t reach out for help from others, but then I feel so very isolated and perpetuate my feelings of unworthiness.

Soooooo, here’s the challenge: Fill up someone else’s self worth tank. Let’s say nice things about how awesome each other is so that we feel like our existence on this planet is not a waste of space, time, and energy. If you’re strong enough to say nice things about yourself, then do that too.

You can say it in a comment here, you can write your own post, you can make a vlog, you can email the person, you can write tweets, you can post photos, you can change your Facebook status or write on someone’s wall. You could even call someone or write them a letter or show up at their house, I suppose.

And if you really need some self worth but you’re having trouble building it for yourself please reach out and ask for help.

And if this is a big flop and nobody does it then that’s gonna suck donkey balls but I’ll find other ways to increase my self worth on my own, such as: sending myself a gift basket, sending myself flowers, getting my hair done, getting a hot stone massage, cooking an incredible dinner and enjoying every bite, hanging out in a kitten pile (with maybe a Dawggy thrown in ;) on the bed, writing my thoughts and dreams and aspirations in my own actual handwriting on lined paper, telling myself “I love you” in the mirror.

…but Dawg left the room to give me my space, so no one was around to pull on my ponytail.

For real.

To everyone who voted for me for Hot Blogger Calendar: Thank you.

It’s more about your support than it is about the win. I have no idea if I did win, since voting is through today, I just want you to know that I genuinely appreciate your efforts.

Life is good when good friends and family surround me. :)

That’s how long you get to watch me in that video. I’m not sure why that wouldn’t be appealing to you.

And I consider this further evidence why you should vote for me for January/February Hot Blogger. But, that’s my opinion.

Somehow I got nominated for Hot Blogger Calendar… enough times so I made the final nomination list for January/February. I was pretty shocked when I saw that, especially considering that this year I don’t know most of the people who are on the list with me, and also considering I can’t find anyone who actually nominated me. Ok, maybe Robin. Ok, maybe Sharon. hahahaha! No, ok, maybe my mom. Definitely wasn’t my boyfriend, he didn’t even know I was nominated until I told him.

Anyway, I had briefly considered telling the world DON’T VOTE FOR ME but I figured that would just backfire and you all would vote FOR me and then I’d look like some sort of an ungrateful bastard if I was voted in, so.

VOTE FOR POPPY!

Because, um:

I live in NYC.

I am awesome.

I am cute.

I smell nice.
Not that you’d be able to get close enough to know because…
NO TOUCHING THE POPPY!!!!!!

I am a kitty mama to four beautiful girls.

I am smart.

I am funny.

I love Star Wars.

I love beer.

I love cheese.

(that’s the cottage variety)

I love wrestling. (The fake kind.)

I am a geek. With credentials.

I have a zombie attack plan.

I think you look very pretty/handsome today.

I am hot.
I am a blogger.
I love calendars.

Also, I have a lot of pairs of boots. Like, 22 pairs of them.

Not all pictured here, but you start to get the point.

And I’m sure boots would factor into my photo shoot if you pick me.
Not that this should sway you in any way. Except,

BOOTS!

VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

Ok, bye.

Thank you, JJ Daddy-O, for the link!

I really wish I was a Cylon so I could run a diagnostic on myself when I’m stressed out but don’t know specifically why.

Introducing our newest member of the furry family, Twitter (aka Lil Mama, although we don’t actually call her that… more like Stinky and Rambo and CARRRRAZY KITTEN).

We love her. :) The other girls? Verdict is not in quite yet. ;)

More photos of her on flickr.

I went to my alma mater for five years. I realized the second semester of my junior year that I was never going to finish my pre-vet degree so I had to scramble and switch from pre-vet major/french minor to french major/asian studies minor, hence that fifth year. And someday I’ll stop feeling the need to explain why it took me five years to graduate college — not cuz i’mstoopid, but cuz i’m just chemistry/biology/physics lecture stoopid.

Digression, it’s what’s for dinner.

I graduated in 1997. In 2002 I returned to my alma mater as an employee. For the six years I worked there I participated at a highly involved level on a committee that attracted, accepted, oriented, and welcomed new students to the campus. I was privy to the university’s concern that Vermont is a very homogeneous state where diversity of culture and life experience does not come naturally. Diversity became a manic mission of the administration, and all departments were called upon to integrate diversity plans into their business models. At some point some one or group came up with the idea that placing two faces together of people from different backgrounds somehow equated to an attractive physical representation for people who normally would have disregarded the school as Just Another Rich White Kid Party School.

It’s now a full 8 years since the split faces were added to the orientation print materials for first year students. And here I sit in New York City, casually checking the news of Vermont, and reading that UVM will air commercials to attract prospective students and their families on ESPNU, and felt so hopeful when I saw that “an award winning creative team” helped produce the commercials, but felt that familiar disappointment as I watched each 30-second spot show split-screened faces of what UVM thinks diversity means.

Diversity doesn’t mean trying too hard to say that the population isn’t all just rich white kids. Diversity is organic. And diversity happens because the people within the community foster acceptance in their hearts, in their lives, in their everyday actions. My friends back in Vermont who moved there from Brooklyn struggle daily with Vermont’s passive-aggressive intolerance of non-natives. The state’s unofficial motto truly is “welcome to Vermont, now go home”. And it was always rumored that if you live in Vermont ALLLLL your life except you leave for even a little tiny bit (which I did for 6 months when I was 10, turning 11) that you become a Flatlander, no longer accepted as a Vermonter.

Dude. That’s just fucked up. Why WOULD people from other cultures, backgrounds, ways of thinking, ways of living even WANT to live there?

I think a better ad campaign would be photos and videos of students interacting, working together, doing together, producing together, having a campfire sing-along on the shore of Lake Champlain or a snowball fight on the green, or hanging out previewing a student-made film in the chapel, NOT two students separated in their filming who are glommed together through (not actually so) creative editing. Showing students working, playing, living harmoniously together is what fosters diversity.

And… whoever edited the faces together should be fired, because everyone looks scary together.

My 2 cents. I welcome your thoughts on the matter.

PS – hi. :)