look at me

This weekend I did a lot of cleaning while Dawg worked at his computer. My BFF is coming to town in a few more weeks, but since I’m not home the next two weekends for much time and she comes the weekend after that, this is the weekend I had the most time to clean.

I washed the sink full of dishes.
I washed and filled the food and water bowls.
I cleaned the litter boxes.
I put away the clean laundry.
I cleaned the toilet.
I cleaned the tub.
I cleaned the scum off the entire shower wall with my toothbrush.
I cleaned the bathroom window sill.
I cleaned the sink.
I swept the bathroom floor.
I cleaned dishes again.
I cleaned up one bag of garbage off the floor and surfaces of the living room.
I swept the living room floor.

I made dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday.

I ate cereal for Sunday dessert, cereal that I had hoped to eat for a webisode, but Dawg is working on projects with deadlines and kept not having time for this. I really wanted to eat it, and the person who sent it to us gave me permission to … just eat it, without filming. So, I did. And then Dawg gave me the scowl eyes and asked me why I did this. And I told him I had permission to eat it, and when was he going to have time to sit down and eat this cereal on film with me anyway.

And then I did more dishes. And then Dawg scolded me about how I was washing the bacon dish from breakfast with the bacon grease still in it. And I eventually yelled at him that I did not actually appreciate being told how to clean my home when I am the only one cleaning it.

In evaluating my reaction to the cereal consumption and bacon grease, I realized that I feel resentment that I do my best to give him a good working environment (I stay quiet around him as much as possible and go do projects in other parts of the apartment as I can, neither of which he asks me to do, I just do them) and then when I receive any criticism for all the hard work I did, without receiving praise for all the hard work I did do, I feel mad.

Otherwise, this weekend was really spectacular in comparison to last weekend. I even had happy dreams. I’ve even had some quality time that I thoroughly enjoyed with this man who works so hard and I respect so much and try to please because he deserves to be pleased and I enjoy doing it.

Just, ya know, look at my good stuff too if you’re gonna look at my bad. And, if he only knew how many times I have intentionally (and I know full well not to) dumped bacon grease down that fucking drain… ;)

rose

I have had diagnosed / undiagnosed depression since I was a kid. I’m a delicate flower who doesn’t eat right, exercise, sleep enough, or do enough for myself to make myself happy.

I wake up every day happy about specific things, but Unhappy as a human being in this world.

I choose to continue to be Unhappy, despite telling myself in my last post to be happy.

Unfortunately, the Unhappy doesn’t always stay contained to myself. Sometimes I let it gush onto people I love. Sometimes I unleash the Unhappy Me, let her rear her beautiful head, and watch from within my body as consequences are dealt from her actions.

This past weekend I let Unhappy Me out to play. This weekend I honestly thought I fucked up the one great thing in my life, with all its beautiful imperfections and complications and colorful changes depending on the light source.

When I found out that I was overreacting, that I hadn’t actually ruined it (did I? I’m told that I didn’t) I promptly went to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet where, apparently, one is supposed to throw up.

My body doesn’t throw up on purpose for much. It’s kinda stupid about self preservation, so typically just holds onto bad stuff in my tummy. But I was so devastated and sure that I was suddenly Single in the City (ugh, UGH) that I literally became sick with relief when I found out that my boyfriend wasn’t leaving me for taking his words the wrong way and yelling at him for not actually doing anything wrong.

I never want to throw up from relief again.

This morning I watched a webinar from my work’s employee assistance program about stress reduction. I’d heard it all before, but it’s good to be reminded that sometimes I create realities that are not true. It’s good to hear that other people in the world misinterpret the actions of the one they love and assume (asssssss u me) that they are not loved because they jump to conclusions about their loved one’s intentions.

Sometimes a rose is just a rose, you know what I mean? Bad example, there was no rose involved. But sometimes there are no motives behind what someone is doing. Sometimes they’re just living their life next to you, struggling with their own Unhappy Me to get through their day the best they can. And sometimes I’m just stirring a pot so the observer in me can watch Unhappy Me have that bad day she expects to have.

be happy

Today was a really tough day, what felt like the 4th “Monday” in a row. It was the second day this week that an important piece of equipment has catastrophically failed, and unfortunately all the other people who needed my help didn’t need my help any less just because I was overextended.

My mind has raced all week, but today was particularly bad. I actually felt dizzy (or “woozy” if I use the correct term) and had pangs of intense pain in my head a few times. My eyes came out of focus. I was thinking straight, but too hard, too fast.

I was in a meeting with one of our professors and our web developer, trying to problem solve how to sync iWeb files between computers (this seems like it should be easy, but it was a bit tricky until I finally figured out a genius way to make it work when the web instructions didn’t pan out).

One hour and 47 minutes into our one hour meeting, the web developer left the office, satisfied that the interaction was complete. I stayed behind to have a proper conclusion to the conversation, because I quite like this professor and enjoy chit-chatting with her, and really needed to ramp down from that particularly taxing technical interaction.

I admitted to her how busy it’s been, how tough the week has been, how it’s just not slowing down for us. She admitted to me that she often feels this but then she remembers her father’s words to her that a dead man does not regret the time he didn’t spend working. She reminded me that our place of work would keep running without both of us, a perspective I occasionally need reminding of. She told me the most important thing in life is to be happy. We talked about how she makes herself happy, something I promised to keep to myself but it made me smile so much and wish I could do the same thing. She opened my eyes to the importance of taking care of myself, which I am very bad at doing.

I am so far into life and yet I still shove my work in front of everything else. It’s admirable on the outside, but the more I give, the more other people will take. I need to be the example of someone who says it’s time to stop for today rather than the person who goes 5 extra miles and dies of a stress-caused ailment.

It is time to be happy, Poppy.

fall

I almost got through the night without a bad dream. Right before I woke up for the day I had an ambiguous dream where Dawg said “I have something to tell you” and I got scared that it was going to be a bad thing so I woke myself up.

I told him about this dream when he got home tonight and asked him if he had anything bad to tell me. He didn’t. I asked him if he had anything good to tell me. He reminded me about some good news.

I am left with the reminder that I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall.

I hate that.

catch

Lately I’ve had a couple “this could actually be reality and you’re just the last to know” dreams. In the first dream I was screaming so loudly up in the air that I wondered if I was screaming in real life and woke up to check. Turns out I wasn’t, and Dawg was snoozing happily next to me. This morning’s dream was a follow-up to the first. In this dream I had a lot of “first person” sensation where I was confronting someone in my dream and even picked that person up, even dropped that person with the intent to harm, even yelled at that person to stay the fuck out of my life.

I really don’t want those dreams anymore. They are built on insecurity and fear. Even if they were true life, I don’t deserve to live it in my dreams as well as my reality.

So, tonight I stood up on the bed and shook my dreamcatcher. We each have one on our side of the bed, directly over where we sleep. It may be just a coincidence, or a ritual to me, but whenever I empty out the dreamcatcher my bad dreams tend to leave for a very long period of time.

Here’s to hoping those dreams are gone for the rest of my life.

Posted on September 25, 2012, in Dreams.

possess me

In November 2010 I went to the NYC Chocolate Show with Bellaventa. While there we tasted a dessert wine called Essensia by Quady Winery. We then had the brilliant idea that we wanted to purchase bottles of Essensia so we obtained a printout of the local places that sell the wine and then proceeded to spend the next couple hours combing Manhattan for this wine.

We found it.

And then we said goodbye to each other and went home, because looking for that wine was kind of exhausting.

Do you know that it is almost October 2012, and I don’t know what made me do this, but tonight I opened that bottle of Essensia. But… I didn’t drink it. I just transferred it to another bottle of wine with a screw top and then rinsed the Essensia bottle and put it in the recycling.

I wonder why, after almost two years, I decided to open it but not drink it.

I wonder if I will ever drink it.

I would put money on myself that I’ll dump it out instead of drinking it, but, really, who’s going to bet against me?

guarantee

Have you ever told someone a piece of information or news and hoped they would pass it along to their family, friends, or significant other? I know I have in the past, and I would always get mad at *that* person for not sharing the information how I wanted them to.

And then I decided that I didn’t like it when people did that to me, so why should I do that to other people or work myself up every time I hope someone does this for me but doesn’t.

If you want a guarantee that someone knows something you want them to know, best idea is to tell them yourself.

I bet this lesson is just a part of life.

I didn’t get to go to Mad Dog & Beans yet

My former co-worker is in nursing school and is already freaking out about her workload this semester so she asked to bail on our plans for tonight. That worked out perfectly, since my job decided to take a technology dump all over my head. We will have another day together where I will shower her with positive words and buy her yummy Mexican food and pitcher(s) of whatever she wants to drink.

Another day.

Posted on September 20, 2012, in General.

perfect

My MS SQL Server Administration class got cancelled yesterday. Today I scrambled to find some alternatives. Looks like we’ll wait to see if the session is offered for October or November, but if not I’ll take a class that costs 2.5 times more than the one that my world class university offers. I would tell my university how much they’re undervaluing the content of this course, but I think I’ll wait until after I take it. Original perfect would have been this class, new perfect is now having Wednesday evenings off (we moved our corps night from Wednesday to Friday).

I was supposed to go see my work friend’s kittens on Thursday but she has to work an event so I am instead going out with my former work friend (as in, former job, not former friend) who was laid off from that same place I was and could use a commiseration meal so we are going to Mad Dog & Beans. I can’t wait! I wanted to go there with Ren once but we went to a place his wife ended up hating instead. Oops. I am excited to try Mad Dog & Beans because it’s Mexican food and they have pitchers of alcohol to get my friend drunk so she forgets how shitty our former employer really is sometimes. (They didn’t give her a farewell.) Original perfect was having kittens crawl all over me, new perfect is treating my friend to a great dinner and great drinks then having kittens crawl all over me next week. :)

Maybe you noticed my blog went missing, maybe you didn’t. For some reason, after this many years of paying the same hosting company for my domain, I considered the charges suspicious and contested them. If you don’t pay for your domain you don’t get to keep it. So, it went byeeeee for a little bit. Now that it’s back I realize that I did miss it and am happy it’s here again. Original perfect was shaping up to be moving back to Blogspot, new perfect is staying right here.