I have had a really hard week. A few of the things that have been spectacularly shitty for me are not even my situations, they're other people's situations.

I had a meltdown today. A full-on meltdown. I was in my car sobbing, trying to talk on the phone about something a little too private to share here (sorry) between fits of tears, with a migraine headache, feeling both "woozy" (not dizzy, apparently) and sick to my stomach (I was convinced I would throw up, but never quite did), and shaking.

I called my boss from the parking lot to say I needed to take the afternoon off. Poor guy, he asked me if I was going to hurt myself. That means he's a well trained boss. I would think the same if I got such a disturbing phone call. Hurting myself is never on my mind, not even on the darkest day. In the past I can't say that was true, but I could never do that to everyone who loves me.

I am feeling much better personally, after going home for some kitty hugs and kisses, but I am still very worried for a few friends, and not looking forward to the situation for another few friends.

Lesson: Don't have friends.

Fuck you, Lesson. Hugs to all my friends who need them. :) (If you think I'm talking to you, I am. I'm also talking to the ones who can't visit right now, and the ones who don't and won't ever know this blog exists… *sigh*)

Here's his video:

Here's mememolly's link.

I hope I'm somebody's favorite person. For a very long time I was absolutely certain I was nobody's favorite person. Not one person on the planet even thought of me in a given day, I was 100% certain of that. And then I started blogging. And now I can think of a person or two who might consider me their favorite. Even in saying that I say it with caution, because being someone's favorite in the universe is a very difficult task to pull off.

Do you believe you are anyone's favorite person? If so, blog about it. Don't have to say who, just talk about that person.

I know I'm not actually answering my own question. What can I say? Even if people were to tell me to my face or in my comments that I am their favorite person I'd have this sliver of doubt, say to them "surely [insert person in their life] is your favorite, not me."

This is a glimpse.

My first love wrote this for me. It's funny, my perception of our time together is that I was always chasing after him and he was always running away. I don't even really remember what this means anymore. If it were dated I could at least obtain a frame of reference, but it just sits on a piece of paper, staring up at me, trying to tell me something, and I don't know what exactly.

I do remember wearing his sweatshirts. I enjoyed doing that. I enjoyed smelling his scent. I guess he enjoyed mine as well.

I also just found a series of journal entries I wrote about our last days together before he left to study abroad. My deep poem to him that he doesn't know exists:

Never again will he smile just for me.
Never again will he kiss my lips.
Never again will he caress my body.
Never again will he hold me and tell me everything will be alright.
Never again will he love me with all of his heart.

I sit and hope for never to come.
Waiting…
                        forever.

I wrote that the very day he left, right after he got on the plane. Gosh, I was intense back then. :)

I have always been resistant to being a "computer person". I never wanted this to be my career. I just did it because I was good at it. I did it because, despite my dislike for all things service, it's what my personality type tells me I should be doing.

And then something happened. I'm not sure what. Something changed in me that made me love what I do. Perhaps it's because my employer became more supportive of my professional development and I was able to actually learn more and practice the security side of computing. This is truly my passion. I love all things to do with security. I could wax poetically for hours on the subject. I could eat up every certification there is to do with this field, read every trade material there is on the subject, handle incidents with no objection indefinitely. I would love to become someone's CSO, CISO, security consultant, or similar. I would love to be in charge of security infrastructure, planning, implementation, response, resolution… all of it.

But, what if? I have a fear of responsibility, a fear of committing to the big things. I have a fear of saying yes to something and then disappointing everyone involved. I fear that I don't know enough to do the job well. I fear that everyone will realize I'm a fake. Underneath this confident exterior I'm just winging it like the rest of the world. And somehow that's okay for everyone else to do, but not for me.

I am very strong willed, know what I want, and go full force toward it, but underneath there is a constant dialog of, "[my nickname here], are you really sure you know what you're doing?" No, voice, I don't. But I'm doing it anyway.

Yesterday I went to a company picnic during a tornado warning and had fantastic steak on the grill! Also got the biggest hug ever, unprompted, by Break Boy's son. I love his kids so much. They are so sweet and mischievous at the very same time. And his daughter looked sooooo adorable in her pigtails while she fell over backwards and giggled and babbled to me.

After picnic I came home to a power outage, a forced break from the eWorld. I appreciated the break, watched a movie on my laptop and took a little quiet time to just sit on my bed and think in the dark. I love the dark now that it doesn't scare me. I was afraid of it until January. Isn't that weird? No longer scared of it, now love it.

Used the generator for a bit of time to microwave some dinner and watch the finale of SYTYCD. Congrats to Sabra! Apparently I know how to call 'em. Was glad to see everyone back who could be back, but the sparkle was gone from many of the other performers' eyes (most noticeably Pasha's and Sara's). Danny's original partner (whose name I can't remember) was the best of the non-final 4. She is a true entertainer.

After this the power came back on but I was tired so went to the bedroom to do some more reflecting. I enjoy the silence, Depeche Mode-inspired or not. ;) Listened to some Justin Timberlake on repeat and enjoyed life.

The only thing missing: Kitties. They were all busy elsewhere, no time for Mama. S'okay, they're always in my heart.

In return I give you a really great hug back. And maybe a wet shoulder. :}

(See, this is why I generally post fluffy things. I'm actually very introspective at heart and few people can handle me that way. ;)

My shiny ball below explains how I feel right now. A lot of you know why, and you want me to talk about it, but it's very private and will remain that way here.

I'm off like a dirty shirt. :P

(I am still funny even in the face of total shitocracy.)

Hugs and kisses to you all,
~P

(Poppy has something she won't reveal on the blog?! ZOMG! ;)