Poppy Cedes

I stick my tongue out a lot. I sometimes even do it in pictures. I had no idea one day I would take a photo of me sticking my tongue out…

(I might be slightly-tiny inebriated here, but really just a tiny bit-bit.)

…only to find myself invited to a flickr group called Beautiful Female Tongues.

I did not accept the invitation.

Expect more tongue action in the photos from DEF LEPPARD AT JONES BEACH WITH POISON AND CHEAP TRICK, BAYYYYBEEEEEEEEEE! YAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (I’m guessing I won’t get to post those until the night after the concert. I’m a BUSY LADY, what can I say.)

I was just staring at my online paycheck (because we’re all fancy like that and only have online paychecks for direct deposit people) and… if I didn’t know better it would look like I am seriously poor, although not as poor as I should be.

I make X amount of dollars (it’s public record, but I’m not gonna just shove it into a post ), but I have the following deductions from my check:

Federal Withholding
Medicare
Social Security
State Withholding
Parking (0.56% of pre-tax salary)
Medical (14.0% of pre-tax salary)
Dental ($34.16/month flat rate)
Life Insurance (some mathematical equation that forces me in the end to pay $33,000 by the time I am allowed to retire if I keep this level of insurance and this job [math. ow.])
Retirement Savings (15.0% of pre-tax salary)

I did the math and in the end I am taking home 58% of my paycheck, which mathematically makes no sense since the average government chunk is 35% (or is it 28%? whatever, it’s huge) removed, plus the additional 29.56% plus the $34.16 plus the freaky deaky math to do with life insurance. That doesn’t add up to 100%. I’m lucky I’m taking home as much as I am. Magic money. This is why I sometimes randomly believe I have a rich relative somewhere who enjoys slipping money into my bank account when I’m not looking, but now that I keep my checkbook balanced even this idea isn’t working for me anymore.

Bottom line: I’m clearly bad at math. And I should stop thinking about my future so much.

Originally built in 1901, the walkway you’ll see in the following video now serves as an approach to makinodromo, the famous climbing sector of El Chorro, located in Andalusia, Spain.

My tummy is all flip-floppy now.

Thanks to [GAS].

When I saw this email:

Date: Sat, 12 Apr 2008 18:11:02 -0400
From: CNN Breaking News
Reply-To: newseditor@MAIL.CNN.COM
To: TEXTBREAKINGNEWS@EMA3LSV02.TURNER.COM
Subject: CNN Breaking News

– Texas Rangers meet with and then release a man suspected of abusing a teenage girl at a polygamist compound.

… I instantly wondered why a sports team was suddenly trying to fight crime. I 50% blame CNN for weird wording, though.

Article is here in case you wanted to read about it.

This video is really lame:

…until 2m55s. I like that part very much.

But this video pretty much confirmed what I knew all along: I hate math.

I did a completely random keyword search in Google for something I’d rather not admit to and found The Prettiest Denny’s Waitress. I was glancing through the front page posts and noticed a reference to the name “Noelle”. I know very few Noelles in the entire world and thought, “well, wouldn’t that be weird if it was the same Noelle that sometimes comments on my site?”

It was.

Freaky.

So, how ya doin’? Me, yup, I’m good. Yup, yup. So, what’s new with you?

If it wasn’t clear from my Poppable, there’s a snow storm here today. I saw three accidents and heard several sirens on the way into work. I almost kicked the fucking ass of a guy who decided to tail me into the parking lot of Starbucks, but he had this big “I’m super happy and nothing will get me down” grin on his face so I cut him some slack and just made kung fu motions behind him while he ordered his coffee.

Speaking of the place that gives me my morning buzz, I got hit on in Starbucks this week. I was not really paying attention to what I was doing while adding cream and sugar to my iced venti Americano and I totally stepped all over the foot of the guy next to me. I apologized semi-profusely. … You think he’s the one who hit on me, don’t you. You’d be wrong. This total Wonder Bread walks up behind me and says something about me being a beautiful woman… and I just said, “ok, then…” because… um, if someone’s gonna get a chance to HIT ON ME in that scenario it should be THE GUY WHOSE FOOT I STEPPED ON. Not the mini-van-of-kids-toting dad and HUSBAND with the dorky owl glasses and the little red ski jacket. Dude, back the fuck off, know when it’s your turn to pounce on the lovelies. And, for the record, I don’t like getting hit on by random strangers, kthxbai. But… um, yah, it happens a lot. I know there’s a lot of single people in the world, but walking up to me and hitting on me doesn’t make me like you. I’m complicated, and I’m not revealing what I do prefer, but just letting you know what I don’t prefer.

I want Obama to win.

I had gravy for dinner twice this week and I’m pretty sure I’ll be having gravy with dinner tonight. Pork gravy. I keep not practicing the white gravy, which is perhaps a mistake on my part.

Um, not to… remind you about a commercial “holiday” that just exists to generate revenue for merchants, but do you all have Valentine’s Day plans? I have no plans on the actual day other than to flip off anyone who says “Happy Valentine’s Day!” to me. I’m not bitter, I just like flipping people off. Besides, I have plans. Just not on the day.

Fab posted about me again because apparently I’m just that interesting. I think that one’s really funny, actually. The post yesterday where everyone said they don’t agree with me about the busload of cats? A well thought out post, but reading the comments was like watching someone stick a needle in me so I didn’t.

I kinda wanna play hooky today, for no good reason. If I could find a theater near me that was playing There Will Be Blood I’d be out the door… Maybe I should just go see Cloverfield or Juno again. Or stay home and watch the 6th and final disc of “Freaks and Geeks” which will make me sad that it’s over but happy that I watched it. I’m back up to the maximum number of vacation days again, but I’m going to Tennessee for a week in almost exactly a month, so that’ll take care of that problem. When I say I’m maxed out on vacation days I’m not kidding. Maxed out means I have 42 of them, since I get 21 vacation days per year. (Or do I have 44 because I get 22 per year? Whatever.) I also get sick days and holidays. My employer is very generous.

PiC made me a pie with the Jell-O pudding I gave him from Dawg. I have yet to eat the pie because I am saving it for this weekend when I am willing to take on the project of this pie. It’s a chocolate crust topped with pudding, a layer of crushed Oreos, another layer of pudding, homemade whipped cream, then topped with more crushed Oreos. Did I mention I got to pick it up chez PiC and do hallway game with Nigel then hold Too Legit to Quit while she stared at pretty colors on her mama’s computer screen? I love going to their house. They’re, like, normal and stuff.

My co-worker who was in Iraq has just informed me via IM that he is snowed in but getting a gold tooth at lunchtime today. He’s not kidding. He’s calling it his “pimp daddy” tooth. Can’t wait to see that…

I received a billion CNN Breaking News alert emails overnight, one of which was an actual, legitimate one:

Called my mom to check if she was ok, but no answer. Left a message asking her to call or email, no return call or email yet. On a scale of 1 to 10 I have a tiny nagging worry in the back of my brain, but my mom told me to NOT FREAK OUT EVERY TIME THERE IS A HURRICANE when she lived in Florida so I’m pretty sure that advice carries over to tornadoes in Tennessee.

Update: Mom finally got my voicemail late this afternoon and left me a voicemail that she’s fine.

I think my brain is now sufficiently dumped for today.

Did you know that Penélope and Mónica Cruz are kissing cousins sisters? In their brother Eduardo’s video they not only suggestively grind on their brother but they actually kiss-bite each other near the very end of the video. You don’t believe me, do you. Well, see for yourself:

(Do they say “que rica” in Spain?) The song is pretty boring and lame, but their brother isn’t bad to look at…

Today I called my sister-in-law to ask her about Christmas stuff. During the course of the conversation, I kid you not, she suggested that I go out on dates with my nephew (as in, to bars and movies). DATES! WITH MY NEPHEW!

Granted, he’s less than 10 years younger than I am.
Granted, he’s hot HAWT*.
Granted, he’s not my blood relative (from a previous relationship, not my brother’s blood son).
Granted, the point of going out with him is to pull a Dawg and get him dates with other girls (click on Read More when you’re there).
Granted, my SIL is perpetually medicated and likely doesn’t really understand what she just asked me to do.

…but, IT’S STILL WRONG.

*Thank you, Fab.