When I am in a high stress time as I am right now I am randomly fixated on the idea of having a cigarette. I've never been a habitual smoker, but I've had just enough cigarettes in life that I know they have a calming effect on me.
Back in August when I still lived at The House I felt an overwhelming urge each and every day to smoke. I planned out buying a pack of cigarettes for several days. After five days of planning I finally bought some at the local drug store. I brought the cigarettes home with me and, in an act of defiance, opened the window to the master bathroom and smoked half of a cigarette while petting Ripley and staring out at My Peaceful Backyard.
I know that same pack of cigarettes is at my apartment. I know which drawer those cigarettes are in. I know they are tucked to the left of all my financial papers. I know there is a book of matches inside the box. I know there are 19.5 cigarettes left over. I know that I won't smoke any of them only because my lease does not permit me to do so. I know that, even though it means nothing to me, I will find myself reciting the Serenity prayer, a Friend of Bill special, to keep me from breaking that promise. And I know this craving will go away Thursday afternoon when I have tackled my next hurdle.
This, too, shall pass.
posted by Poppy Cede at 12:52 pm : Permalink : Sharing
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Categorized Introspection, Life : Tagged
A lot of you know I'm pretty complicated and complex and deep and introspective and that's just who I am, so it's perhaps not a surprise to learn that I've taken a light-hearted event and turned it into something that has consumed my mind since about 10:00pm last night.
I had a post for today, which would have been an interesting read for you, an interesting tie between American Idol and something that happened to someone in my life many years ago that none of you knows about but would have made me feel very vulnerable if I had published it. I thought better of it for now. If I do nothing to stop it, it will post automatically at 7:14am Eastern on Friday, February 27, 2009. I'm guessing I'll have drafted it before then, so don't bother making a note on your calendar.
I know it seems like I tell you everything, like my blog is an open book, but I'm realizing I do keep a great deal to myself. And sometimes I think I want to put it out there, but then I decide it's more important to me to maybe write it down but not offer it to the world. So, that's where my head is at today. A very vulnerable place but I'm not sharing how or why.
So, to counter the fact that I won't share with you what the effing a I'm talking about above, I'll mention something random here: Every time I go to Quebec City I pass by a particular sex shop window and stare at the penis pasta in the black and purple box. I never go inside, just stand at the window and look in. I have no idea why it's so intriguing to me, and in a city so rich with culture and things to do (minds out of gutter) that don't involve me cooking my own damn food, I am always stuck thinking about making that damn pasta. There ya go, nice and random.
posted by Poppy Cede at 9:32 am : Permalink : Sharing
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Categorized Introspection, Life, Miscellaneous T : Tagged
Sometimes I wonder what my intentions actually are for doing certain things.
Do you ever wonder that?
I mean, … I always think I'm a nice person, doing things for or with others just because I'm nice and I want them to be happy. And then I catch myself in a moment of wondering if my intentions are as pure as I thought they were. What am I getting out of it? I'm getting something out of it. I am not as selfless as I hoped. Because even in being selfless I am enjoying the feeling of being selfless, and therefore am actually selfish.
Not saying there's anything wrong with that, I just wish I wouldn't notice I was being so kind hearted, because as soon as I notice it means I'm conceited.
Sucky.
posted by Poppy Cede at 1:55 pm : Permalink : Sharing
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Categorized Introspection, Life, Stream of consciousness : Tagged
My left eye is red today. This does not match my outfit.
Ripley is being a bad girl. I am not sure what has changed her from the sweet, innocent kitty she once was to this devil child. Perhaps she is finally going through her terrible twos.
I spent over 9 hours at Break Boy's and His Lovely Wife's house yesterday, cooking meals with them and playing with the kiddos and cleaning up their house and watching Break Boy play Mario Super Galaxy Whatever, and then… and then. :) We played side-by-side (not battle) GH3. And then I was very late for going home and totally missed Fab's radio show last night, but really, when I was going to leave everyone was having a meltdown about life (not about me leaving) and I thought, "let's see, what is more important? What is in front of me and on the verge of tears or what will happen without me and I can listen to later?" I chose to stay for that reason. I made the right decision. (Did I mention that when I'm at Break Boy's house there is NO cell phone [voice OR txt!!!!! que la f?!] coverage? I actually logged into IM from Lovely Wife's computer to write to Fab to say "sorry, not showing up even though I promised I would." (I seriously hate breaking promises, but I tend to overcommit myself sometimes. Oops.) Babbling… Point? Dunno. But as thanks for my choice there's now a faux fur blanket on my bed that is sooooooo soft and chocolate in my cupboard, and *seven* new pictures from LLA (BB and LW's daughter) to be hung on the art wall, and I'm very happy with life. 
I am now late. Must go get coffee, and must stop rambling. Bye.
posted by Poppy Cede at 7:54 am : Permalink : Sharing
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Categorized Bloggers, Family, Friends, Introspection, Life, Stream of consciousness, The kittos : Tagged Ripley
This was the post for yesterday, but since I stayed home sick I decided to pull it. Unfortunately, I've suddenly become very popular for lunch so the next time I'll see my brother is next Friday at the earliest, so instead of waiting an entire week to post this, and lose the feel of it for me personally, I'm posting it today. Enjoy this rare snapshot into my family life.
Today I am seeing my brother for lunch. He and I work across the street from each other at rival businesses. We always know we're just a short walk away from each other, but in the 5.5 years I've worked where I work we've only had lunch less times than the fingers and thumb of one hand. Why? Well, it's that life is too busy and we know where to find each other if we really need something and we don't really take lunch very much anyway. This time my excuse to visit him is that my aunt gave me a present for my brother mere hours after I had just seen my brother for Christmas plus I have to return his CDs (The Chemical Brothers) and DVDs (Daft Punk and The 4400).
While in the kitchen pouring myself a cup of fantastic coffee last night I suddenly flashed back to Christmas day when the topic of our parents' divorce came up. My brother mentioned during this conversation that, even though he was only 9 years old, he was asked by my parents which one of them he wanted to live with (this I have known for a few years now, but didn't know all the time I was growing up) and that he chose to live with my dad first and foremost for me, so that I would have a chance at a better life (this I did not know before Christmas day). That statement was very painful to hear.
My brother was (and still is) ADHD. He used to set fire to things (including his own bed blanket), used to hurt people (shoved a Saltines cracker into Mom's eye), used to hurt himself (threw himself out a window on the second floor of our home and broke his leg), used to break into the locked basement to play with power tools (he once used an electric jigsaw to cut through its own cord, and somehow didn't die), and lots of other really dangerous things I don't necessarily know about or remember. My parents were so overwhelmed by my brother that they didn't have another baby (me) for 6 and 3/4 years. I'm basically lucky I exist, because my parents very nearly stopped at one child.
So when I was barely 3 years old and my parents decided to call it quits, my brother had it in his head that he was a very difficult child and that my father would be lonely with no children so he chose to go with my dad and spare me and my mom the difficulty of an ADHD child. Spare. Me and my mom. He thought I would have a better life growing up without him because Mom would be able to focus on me.
And in this moment we shared on Christmas day, my mouth just hung open with the words on the tip of my tongue, "but Big Brother, I needed you, too…" Instead of saying anything more on the subject, instead of making him feel bad for the heroic and sacrificial act of his 9-year-old self, I looked down at the floor with him as we morosely sighed and silently rationalized that what's done is done, we have each other now, and that we both turned out pretty great considering our circumstances.
But I still can't help wondering what it would have been like to grow up with my big brother in my daily life.
posted by Poppy Cede at 7:25 am : Permalink : Sharing
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Categorized Conversation, Family, Introspection, Life, Stream of consciousness : Tagged
If you are not reading Rude Cactus then I would like to suggest that you really should, if for no other reason than he is scary-insightful as well as scary-honest. An excerpt from today's post:
In life, there's an inherent trust all of us have to have in the people around us. Trust in the fact that the guy doing 60 in the lane next to you won't decide to swerve and run you into a guardrail. Trust in the fact that your kids will be safe and well-treated when you drop them off at school. Trust in the fact that the people you elect to lead you, to establish laws, will do so with their own self-interests put aside. Stories like these, though, make me question that trust and whether or not it's misplaced.
It's taken me 35 years to realize that I'm not a realist as I'd imagined myself to be. I'm a hopeless optimist, which I think is something of an oxymoron. I believe the best in people until proven otherwise. I think you can you'll always be successful being nice. I firmly expect things to work out for the best. Being inherently cruel, the world often has to prove me wrong. And it did that just this week with news items like those above.
(Go to the post to understand the last line.)
If that isn't enough to grab you, he has the cutest freaking daughter on the freaking planet, Mia.
And if that's still not enough, if you comment he replies to you personally in email* for every. single. comment. which at first I thought was weird but now I dig it. He might just say "thanks!" but when you understand how absolutely crazy busy this man is but he still takes the time to email each and every one of his commenters? Insanity.
*Oops, little detail. I meant to say "in email" which is the part I find strange.
posted by Poppy Cede at 10:07 am : Permalink : Sharing
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Categorized Awesome, Bloggers, Introspection : Tagged
