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Category archives for Introspection

September 29, 2008

thoughts for a Monday afternoon (it's afternoon already?! fuck.)

The other day I was trying to explain to Pudding* why I blog. She kept asking me if it was so I could complain and people could subscribe to my complaints. Being the introspective person that I am, I couldn't just say, "no, of course not!" then explain in clear and concise words why I blog… cuz I don't actually know why I do. It's always changing, my reasons for why I write any given post are always different.

The point of writing this post is to say: It smells like bacon here. That is not a complaint.



*Pudding is Dawg's ex, mother of The Wolves. I know, it's hard to keep up. It gets easier if you live it. :winks:

posted by Poppy Cede at 12:04 pm : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 15 comments
Categorized Blogging, Food and drink, Introspection : Tagged

August 31, 2008

things I've been wondering lately

Why does water taste so much better after a long, hard day of work?

Why aren't there muffin flavored muffins?

Why is it normal to kiss with your eyes closed but have sex with your eyes open?

Why do I get more confused and/or nervous about where I'm driving if there is a lot of noise outside the window?

What do the cats think is so great about the other side of a closed door?

Why are omelettes in Queens so much better than in any other place on the planet?

Who in their right mind would want to go to an indie movie house that used to be an X-rated movie house? (EWWWWWWW!!!!! … but, you know I'm totally going as much as possible. I looooove the indie films.)

How did I get so lucky?

When did "have a good one" become the universal tagline?

When will I master the high five? Or…

When do we give up on the high five and switch to the low five, which I'm much more comfortable with doing? :grins:

Where do all the bugs go when they're "hiding"?

How many more trips will it take to move everything to the new apartment, 6.5 flights up?

Who invented the L train? (Wow, if you want to read about the New York City subway, it's a lot of fun!)

Why is my favorite juice grape juice if I'm not too fond of the fruit it's made from?

What are my goals now?

What am I having for breakfast at The Sizzler?

Why is it easier to not be concerned that I don't know where anything is if I'm in the state where I grew up but have a complete and total day-long meltdown about it if I'm in a state I've only been in for 28 days? (Rhetorical.)

How will I ever get over my crack-like addiction to ESparks Americanos?

When am I going to order the Mac I keep thinking about getting?

What am I waiting for?

How come I'm not tired after such an emotionally and physically draining day?

What is better than having my Dawg and cat by my side as they sleep?

posted by Poppy Cede at 1:55 am : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 16 comments
Categorized Introspection : Tagged

August 22, 2008

j-o-b spells something I don't have, technically

A few years ago PiC asked me, out of the blue, words to the effect of "have you ever not gotten a job you applied for?" My answer, after careful consideration, was "no. I've gotten every job I've ever tried for." At that time my response was 100% the truth. Back where I was raised I spent 20 years weaving my way through the IT community, making connections in many, many circles, being known for my skills, talent, passion for computers.

What I'm about to say… you can't take it as me throwing a pity party. It's my reality. Ok? I don't want any of those "aww, poor Poppy! It'll be ok soon!" comments. I'm just stating what I'm experiencing.

Here I am completely unknown. Here I have no connections. Here I have applied for more jobs than I've had in my entire life and gotten zero of them. Granted, I am actually being hunted now that my resume is up on Dice, but … so far the universe isn't lining up for that perfect match.

A few days after I arrived I actually had a job interview, for which I got that manicure, and bought a dress, and bought eye liner, and bought mascara, and bought panty hose (shut UP), and bought heels. I got a Metro card for that interview. I rode the subway for that interview. I asked a stranger where a certain street in Manhattan was for that interview. I then got picked up by Dawg after that interview and we "celebrated" the completion of it by going snack shopping at the Super Stop & Shop while I was still in my dress and heels. I honestly thought I had at least a shot at the courtesy of that employer contacting me back with a "yes!" or a "sorry…" after receiving a full tour of the facility by the director of IT and a closing mention of "we'll be notifying candidates of our decision [last] week." But… nope.

Since then I've had two phone interviews from one company who clearly decided to say "thanks, but no thanks" by telling me the first person who interviewed me would call me back but she never did. I'm just not used to the rudeness. I'm sorry, but where I'm from it's actually more rude to say you'll call then never do it. As Teri Garr said in Tootsie, I'd like my pain now. Don't lead me on that you'll call if you won't. Just a friendly suggestion from a job seeker who actually fills her days with other things than just finding a job, but keeps the job search going anyway.

Wednesday night Dawg's dad semi-jokingly offered me a job for $10 an hour, and I realized then rudely said, "I made $10 an hour when I was 20" to which he quickly responded, "money is money." An excellent point, but I can't get my mind off the fact that if I take a job that isn't The Right Job then I'm not sure what I'm doing here. Yes, I'm here because I've found the love of my life and we're going to live happily ever after… but, I'm really supposed to also get a job where I make the big bucks in a field with few job opportunities in the entire state of Vermont but what seems like a million here in New York. I know I'm the only one putting the pressure on myself, but I cannot believe I have been here for almost 3 weeks and I still have no solid leads on a place to work, especially considering the industry I work in and the timing of the year. This should be the time that people in my industry are desperate for talented, hard working, dedicated, intelligent, get-the-job-done-with-a-smile people like me.

I do believe that when the job is actually right it will magically be offered to me. And perhaps that is a mistake on my part.

After I come back to New York with the kittos I will be able to focus on a fiercer search for a job.

posted by Poppy Cede at 1:27 am : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 26 comments
Categorized Introspection, Life, Work : Tagged

August 13, 2008

Olympic unhopeful

This is my first year really watching the Olympics since the 1996 Atlanta, Georgia, USA Olympics when the following was my reality:

- I lived with Break Boy, His Lovely Wife, and two of our friends
- I was taking French, Chinese, Spanish, and German during my 4.0 GPA semester of college
- I was ALWAYS doing homework and ALWAYS stressed out
- I was working a very stressful-to-me job as a computer geek who talked to people on the phone (I hate the phone, with a fiery passion)
- I smoked clove cigarettes at random intervals to bring my stress level back down
- I almost burned the apartment down by cooking baked Tostitos in the toaster oven
- Some guy let off a backpack full of bombs in a crowd of people at the Olympic town square

What does this have to do with the Olympics? Aside from that last item, nothing. You know me, I'm random.

My favorite sport to watch that year was women's gymnastics. I was soooooooooooooo excited to watch the girls perform in every event. I was terrified for but extremely proud of Kerri Strug for doing her final vault on a completely destroyed ankle, allowing us to win the gold:

(That video footage always makes me cry.) If I had to choose a defining moment of my US patriotism it'd be that.

But last night, as I watched the Olympics from the green recliner, I realized I was impatient about the women's gymnastics performance. I wanted everyone to hurry up and "get it over with". I lacked confidence in the team. Lacked interest. Lacked pride. As soon as I saw Alicia Sacramone fall off the balance beam I stood up, turned my back to the TV, and went to bed. I knew then that whatever happened was not going to be like the magic that happened in 1996, and I didn't care to see more foibles. I was done rooting for Team USA. That makes me feel bad, like I've lost some sort of innocence I once used to possess. Maybe I'm just old and jaded now. :smiles:

posted by Poppy Cede at 9:49 am : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 12 comments
Categorized Introspection, Media, Videos and vlogs : Tagged

July 11, 2008

Writing the things I cannot say out of my mouth because I was born with a broken mouth

I am really out of sorts.

Something happened last night that has happened before, will happen again, really shouldn't be a big deal, hasn't been a big deal in the past, but this time was just different for me. I got so upset after it happened that I was angry, confused, and so incredibly frustrated that I worked myself into an anxiety attack. Nothing to do but wait for the other side of those, so that's what I did. Sobbing and heaving and, fucking a do I fucking HATE that. Other side, and I'm still fuming about it and questioning my entire life's purpose and wishing I could go to sleep but I was so worked up that all I could do was sit in the dark and get angry and cry, repeat.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly less of that, but as the morning progressed and I was trying to clean up my apartment in case it gets shown today and pack up my things to go to New York I just got more upset again. And I noticed Georgie's weepy eye then saw the vomit on her treat plate and I almost stayed home just to take care of my sick kid, which to the working world doesn't mean a damn thing, but then she got all silly happy and rolled around and loved the love I was giving her so I decided she was ok and I left.

But I'm still completely not myself. I don't understand why I get completely psycho over something that isn't even anything to get all worked up about. Except I guess it's my insecurity about the stability of my life that sent me over this edge and I just need to take time to let it sink in that everything's going to work out just fine and I should stop worrying that every little thing is a sign of me not being good enough.

posted by Poppy Cede at 8:46 am : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 27 comments
Categorized Introspection, Life : Tagged

July 7, 2008

meltdown

I've known since I was 10 years old that I would die when I was 92. I don't know why, I've just always had that sense. And the Death Clock confirms this: December 15, 2077.

Death and I are not quite friends yet. When I was eight my mom's boyfriend's son shot himself in the head while drunk. He was in a coma for many days. We all held out hope that he would make it through, but his body couldn't recover. He left behind a 4-year-old son.

I didn't understand at the time, but this is when I started having anxiety attacks and really being scared of death. I saw what death left behind and I couldn't cope.

I still can't cope.

Dawg let me preview his post for today and I melted down. Every day is a gift, which is why it hurts my heart to be in this holding pattern, this limbo, of living it.

Any accomplishments I have made since one year ago mean nothing if I'm not living each day to its potential. Each hurdle I've jumped over or success I've had keeps getting thrown into a pile and sideways glanced, but I'm not really bothering to pay attention to it. I'm always hurrying to the The Next Big Thing.

Time to take a breath and enjoy the life I have, appreciate the people in my life, and stop trying to put life on hold until The Next Big Thing is accomplished.

posted by Poppy Cede at 12:02 am : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 14 comments
Categorized Family, Introspection, Life : Tagged

May 12, 2008

spirit

I say I enjoy being irresponsible, but that's not exactly true.

Saturday I signed a contract that says I agree to no longer be a homeowner as of June 18. You have no clue how wonderful that felt to me. A very large weight was lifted from my shoulders. I did not enjoy being a homeowner, at least not at that time in my life under those exact circumstances in that exact home. The person I became while living in that house wasn't me, and I struggled with losing myself more and more each day that I stayed.

Sunday I relied on my youngest of the older cousins (she is 28 while her sister is 30 and the other cousins are ages 7-15) to text me when she knew what the plan was for seeing my maternal grandmother for Mother's Day. When that text still hadn't arrived by 4:00pm I decided I would take matters into my own hands and just bring the fudge cupcakes, carrot cake, Cinnamon Buns ice cream, Hershey's Bliss chocolate, and bouquet of flowers over to Gram on my own. I didn't expect to see her there because I had been told she was over at my uncle's house and when she was ready to see us my cousin would receive word. When I showed up Gram was carefully cutting up a JC Penney gift card from my mom and stepdad on which was left 63 cents that she didn't feel like redeeming or, more importantly, leaving to anyone in her will. That has no relevance to anything other than if you met my grandmother you'd know I'm just like her — quirky.

While I was there I texted my cousin that my grandmother was, in fact, back home. My cousin texted back that, unfortunately, my aunt kinda forgot to arrange plans with Gram and my cousin had other plans with her paternal grandmother, so neither of them would be able to show up that night. So, I sat with Gram for two hours and we chatted, just the two of us. She for the first time noticed that I am 60 pounds lighter than I used to be. She for the first time noticed that I have dimples on both my cheeks, and that I smile a lot now. She noticed for the first time that I am a whole, real person who is just like her and her daughter, my mother, living free-spiritedly.

After years of dancing around it, of trying to suppress it, of trying to pretend it isn't true, I am finally admitting to myself and to my family: I am a free spirit.

But in my free spiritedness I am able to maintain a very important balance of responsibility. Still playful, still seeing life through my inner child's eyes, but in a way that keeps me and the cats fed, the bills paid, the car registered, and a roof over our heads.

And I hope one day to be responsible enough to pass that free spiritedness on to my daughter and granddaughter, if it's in the Life cards for me to have them.

Ok, I'm done writing. My point is: I am ready for the next chapter. And I probably get an F- for not properly conveying that idea with the post above, but… at least I told you down here.

posted by Poppy Cede at 1:18 am : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 14 comments
Categorized Family, Introspection, Life : Tagged

April 22, 2008

garbage in/introspection out

It's never good when the title of your Google Reader page includes "(1000+)" directly after it. I apologize to everyone this affects, but I am clicking the [Mark all as read] button. I am again in the situation I was in summer 2006 of having too much to read. That is a truly overwhelming feeling.

Mantra stolen from my yesterday self: There is always someone having a worse day than you, except the person having the worstestest day.

During this entire conference I interacted with one whole new person for any length of time. Know who that was? It was Ramelia, the lemonade girl. Yesterday I was walking back from lunch and our eyes happened to meet. I said to her, "I wish I hadn't just had this Coke so I'd want a lemonade." She said, "I'm here 11 to 3!" I said "great! You leave just as I go on break! I'll have to come back and see you tomorrow." Today is tomorrow. I keep my promises worth keeping. First thing I did today was go get a lemonade from her. We talked for a really long time. Topics discussed:

  • She works for the hotel, she is not an independent vendor, which explains why she only works that cart 11am-3pm. (I pointed out to her that these are the hottest hours for the sun since she didn't seem to know why her hours were the way they were… then again, I'd given it a lot of thought since yesterday when she told me, so it makes sense that I would know better than she why she works the hours she does out in the hot, hot sun.)
  • She is getting civil unioned either next month or next year in New Jersey, depending on her financial situation. She and her partner will then honeymoon in New York City. :smiles:
  • There are a lot of really bad people in Orlando, hence the reason she carries a baseball bat in her car and her partner carries a dagger. (A dagger. d-a-g-g-e-r.)
  • She states that 90% of Orlando Disney staff are gay (gender neutral version). I didn't say anything, but I kinda doubt that statistic. I'm going lower, Bob.
  • She was not aware that France, where I am from, is a civil union state, in fact the very first civil union state in the nation, and that CU partners receive certain spousal benefits. I told her if it wasn't so fucking cold in France I'd recommend she move there. And then I remembered how fucking unfriendly it is in France and I mentioned that too. But it's not because of who you sleep with, the whole state's just fucking unfriendly.
  • When I said "my boyfriend lives in New York City" her jaw dropped and she stepped back. She thought I was a lesbian. This happens to me sometimes. I understand why it happens, although it's very hard for me to explain in words rather than for you to experience first-hand. Sometimes mystery is a wonderful thing to preserve.
  • She suggested I go to The Boardwalk to eat at Jellyrolls. (Unfortunately for me class got out early today and they don't open until 7pm. I didn't feel like staying out late enough to go there. I'm old and stuff.)
  • I wished her good luck with her financial situation so that her civil union could be paid for, she wished me good luck with my certification, and we said we hoped our paths crossed again in the future. (It could happen. We shook hands. People who shake hands are 50% more likely to see each other again. [I made that statistic up.])

I got a sunburn walking around The Boardwalk today. I realized this while writing this post. This explains why I feel hot-in-a-lobster-pot-way.

I look really happy in this lunchtime photo:

Waiting for my kiddie hot dog - the real me!

Looks can be deceiving, or at least not forthcoming of entire situations. I'm having moments of extreme unhappiness on this trip. Despite my life going really well in general I am reminded that when I go on long trips completely alone I bottom out emotionally. It doesn't matter how much phone talking or emailing (or any of those other ways to virtually communicate) I do, I need to physically be around people I know and care about to rejuvenate me. And I miss the kitties desperately. I found cat hair in my laptop bag today and I almost burst into tears.

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you can be happy in life but get so down in a particular moment that you are miserable. The Human Condition is fucked up. I'm happy to have lows so I truly appreciate the highs, but… at least have there be a concrete reason for those lows. I've been taking my vitamins, I had protein today, I had water, I had plenty of sleep, I had my awesome daily talk time with Dawg (twice!), I know the kitties are safe and sound, I know I'm going home soon, I know I'm healthy… so what the effing a fuck do I have to be so fucking sad about?

That right there was a rhetorical question. And I'm giving myself a hard time because it frustrates the hell out of me to know people are going through some really rough shit that I'm not going through and somehow I get to be all princessy "wah, I'm sad"? No. NO. no. This is why I'm mad at me. Just let me be mad at me. Thanks.

Moving on… Here's the number one reason why I'm not talking a lot about what's been going on in my class. Besides, many of you would be bored to tears reading about it, although I know some of you would totally dork out with me if we could have a little comment chat about it. I wish I had a BBS right this minute. I know there are other ways to achieve the same thing, but I got an email from a genie earlier who said I'd get 3 wishes if I visited his website and clicked on "grant my three wishes!" so I did.

(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)

(hi. i'm a dork.)

Ok, that's enough for now.

posted by Poppy Cede at 10:56 pm : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 21 comments
Categorized Introspection, Stream of consciousness : Tagged

April 2, 2008

I statements 2

When something pisses me off I cannot articulate myself until I am pulled out of the moment. Preferably by a wookie sound.

I really enjoy making videos with no purpose. As in, videos just for the sake of videos. I don't do too much in life without a purpose, a goal, a reason because I haven't known how. I'm learning how.

I am allergic to four things. Would you like to guess what the 4 things are? There's no prize for your guesses, except my amusement at your answers, and your chance to be very creative.

I still really enjoy balancing my checkbook. You have NO idea how psyched I was that it balanced to the penny when I was reconciling my vacation trip receipts. OMG. How the hell did that happen? It's like magic, only with math. Math magic!

I felt the head of depression again on the drive home last night and I started screaming at myself in the car, "seriously? SERIOUSLY?! YOU'RE DEPRESSED?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT?!" and then I stepped back (figuratively) and realized that, sure, ok, I did just make it over one whole hurdle in my life, but life isn't ever going to stop having hurdles, and I do have a lot on my plate, that I am someone who is affected by circumstances around me, and that I need to cut myself some slack and do that "one thing/day at a time" business in order to sanely get through it all. I will make it to the other side. And the other side will be a very fantastic place to be.

I know I have 3 girl kitties, but taking care of Tink (photos/video will appear, let's FOCUS people) has made me psyched about getting a boy kitty. I hope that boy kitty realizes what he's getting into… Ripley will glare, hiss, and bop him on the head then tumble him. Georgie will lick him then jump on his head. Allie will rip him a new asshole then go cower from him. Ahhhhh, good times, good times.

I have not mailed my Infragard application yet. Know why? Because I don't have an envelope big enough to send the application. What kind of fucked up reason is that? Poppy! GO GET A FUCKING ENVELOPE!!! (elevator music) Envelope acquired! See???

That's one big. ass. envelope.

I am seeing my friends Essdy and His Lovely Wife this coming weekend. (Notice how I always call the wives of my guy friends His Lovely Wife? I won't tell you why, but I have a reason. I enjoy being the way I am.) Their dog Molly is a jumper. This will be the first time I've been to their house in… probably a year, at least. HLW is pregnant with twins! I totally called the genders, two girls.

Next weekend (the one after this coming weekend) I hope to go to Break Boy's and His Lovely Wife's house. If Dawg is in town he will be the guest of honor. :winks: I am excited for Dawg to meet a few people, but Break Boy is highest on the friends list. Break Boy will get us drunk. Break Boy will make Dawg play GH3 (as in, he'll trick Dawg into wanting to play it). We will end up staying up until two in the morning (that's late for France) playing GH3 drunk. We will stay over. We will wake up to birds chirping and pancakes (or waffles). It will be fanfuckingtastic. AND there's a Dunkin Donuts on the way to their house, so Dawg can have his large French vanilla ice coffee, light with cream and 4 Splendas. :love:

I would like it to be May.

The end.

posted by Poppy Cede at 9:42 am : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 20 comments
Categorized Animals, Family, Friends, Introspection, Life, Miscellaneous T, Stream of consciousness, The kittos : Tagged , , ,

March 27, 2008

go /dev/null or go 127.0.0.1

It seems that once we get firmly established into our blog life and are comfortable with our blog friends we inevitably come to a point where we realize that this great place where we could say anything and everything and be accepted for who we are takes a turn for the less-best, and we feel we need to censor ourselves.

Take, for instance, me. Since I'm the author of this blog and the knower of my life, I can tell you I definitely have been censoring myself more and more on this blog since late July of 2007, and in fact had been censoring myself to a large degree since December of 2006. (Did you know that? Was it obvious?)

I cannot, in good conscience, tell all of blogland exactly what is going on in my life (bad or good), or how my life is affected by the lives of other bloggers around me. There are good and bad things going on in my life and in the lives of other bloggers that just are not for public consumption.

So, this leaves me to wonder: Where is the outlet for these things? Where do we bare our souls when we need to get something off our chests but we want it to be anonymous? Do we start another blog but tell no one at all about it? Do we keep a paper or Word document journal and keep our fingers crossed that no one accidentally stumbles upon it? Do we keep the information locked inside our heads and tell ourselves to just forget about it? Do we tell our therapists everything and smile politely when they give us that "errr, so, you're telling me people inside the computer are your friends" look? Or do we just say, "fuck it, who cares if it hurts anyone we know or has negative consequences to me personally" and just spill it on our blogs anyway?

In case you're wondering, I personally won't be picking the "fuck it" option.

posted by Poppy Cede at 2:19 pm : Permalink : : 0 trackbacks : 34 comments
Categorized Bloggers, Blogging, Family, Friends, Introspection : Tagged

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