Poppy Cedes

I really wish I was a Cylon so I could run a diagnostic on myself when I’m stressed out but don’t know specifically why.

It’s 2.5 years today since DJ passed away.

Back then I had a very different life, knew of DJ as Puppy Monster, and loved him bunches through my computer screen.

It’s impossible for me to tell the world what it’s like to be in his life now, the whole time without him in it. It hurts, let’s just put it that way.

I know this feeling of missing him is real even though he never knew I existed, and it makes me sad to never get to hug him because I’m absolutely certain he gave really great hugs down here and gives even better ones Up There.

I probably won’t be writing much here anymore. My priorities have necessarily shifted. I’m still Here, though, reminiscing about the good stuff, learning from the bad, and finding my path forward in this new life for me where Puppy will always be in my heart.

Life is too short. Please choose to be happy.

Please go visit Dawg’s blog and do as he asks.

Thank you. <3

I got nothin’ cuz my life is good. I’d elaborate but… well, it would feel like I was rubbing faces in it since everyone else’s life seems to suck some major donkey goatse, and I wish it didn’t.

If anyone asks me what goatse is I’m going to tell you to google it. So, pre-emptive strike right there.

Happy birthday, baby girl!

Mama and Dawggy love you with all our heart.

(She’s seven today.)

What it is and why I’m doing it:
The walk itself
“In July of 2010 we’ll be walking the length of Hadrian’s Wall in six days. That’s 84 miles across the entire width of England.

The cause
“Joseph was a happy, healthy three year old who loved life. He enjoyed playing with his toy trains, his cars and his pretend kitchen. He had a busy social life, with lots of friends from nursery and friends who lived nearby.

The Trust supports parents who have lost a child by providing financial assistance to those who need it most. This may be to help with funeral costs or to allow the self employed a break from work while they come to terms with their loss.”

…and because Dawg asked me to join him.
…and because England is my homeland.

Where it is:
Hadrian’s Wall runs the width of Northern England, and we’re walking the whole thing.

Who’s doing it with me:
Team Ocelot

Why I’m telling you 9 months early:
Cuz I feel like it? :) I’m not fundraising (yet) but our goal is to raise £20,000. The exchange rate is £1.67 to $1.00. We’ll see if we can do it. :) No matter, I am excited for this adventure.

Today I am a woman with PMS. If you’ve never been one of me then I can only imagine you have something else that afflicts you that is semi-relatable in some manner. If not: lucky you!

Last night a two-sentence conversation resulted in me being upset, confused, and angry. I had trouble falling asleep. This morning I’m still all those things plus sad. The thing is, I know I’m a woman with PMS so it feels impossibly difficult for me to gauge if last night’s conversation meant anything at all really, or instead meant that everything is tilted on its axis and either I am not believed or I am living some sort of a fantasy that isn’t actually Reality, or if I’m just blowing this way out of proportion.

My brain is reminding me of all the times I have felt this way while experiencing the imbalance of hormones I have each month at this time, but my heart is injured.

I see a doctor October 8 for a yearly physical. #1 on my “discuss with doctor” list is to make sure that I should still take a birth control pill now that I’m the magical age of 35, and #2 will be: how the hell do I achieve a hormone level that lets me stay rational? Because this fucking sucks bull testicles, dude.

I’m reading Triptych. I loved Karin’s other books, still not sure about this one. It’s perhaps that I’ve fallen out of love with such gruesomeness, or that I just see where this is going and don’t care… not sure yet.

I think I’ve run out of things to write down for right now. I’m being introspective about life now that I’m a week away from The Big 35. I prefer to overanalyze my worries until I induce an anxiety attack, which I wait until I am in Dawg’s arms to do (sorry, babe) and then I get refocused and wait for the next overload of feelings. C’est ma vie.

Anyway, I have no big plans that I know about coming up, although I am secretly exhuberantly (I knew I misspelled that) anticipating what Dawg has planned for my bday.

At the start of August we’re making the fastest trip ever to VT to celebrate my dad’s bday belatedly (”in retrospect,” as I prefer to call it) and rather than using any friend or family’s home as simply a hotel we will be staying at a hotel.

I will stop back in VT near the end of August to see EZA and the Gang for his bday. I will bring my vat of bug spray sunscreen. :)

Maybe someone in VT will have a family or friends party this summer so I can see lots of people at once? No? Ok, family and friends party in Central Park 2nd weekend of August! Lemme know if you’re attending! ;)

Anyway, see you sporadically. I’m going to spend more time reading and introspecting and cuddling with my Queens family, but I’ll be around.

I was so tired getting on the train this morning that I took the empty local R train 14 stops so I could have time to sleep.

Concert review without any actual concert photos tomorrow.