I can only speak about my trains in NYC: If the conductor honks twice it usually means that the train going through the station isn’t going to stop. Sometimes it’s because it went Express, sometimes it’s because it went Skip Stop, sometimes it’s because it was just told it had to make up some time for an earlier incident so is changing to a different line’s route than what’s on the side of the train. It happens. Just grin and bear it and wait for the next train to show up.

I promise you, another train is coming.

And if another train never stops at the station again, there are way bigger problems in the world to worry about.

If the train does stop at the station, the honk (in retrospect) meant some douchebag was hanging over the platform not listening to the fact that a big, ginormous train was about to turn them into a pancake with strawberry syrup.

On each set of subway train doors is the cautionary message “Do not lean on door”. It’s for your safety, it’s to discourage you from blocking the door, it’s to cover the MTA’s ass if you don’t listen and anything bad happens, and it’s also so you don’t break the doors and make them not open and close properly.

Everyone leans on the doors. But today’s experience was new to me.

Tonight I was sitting on the bench of a skip stop J train when a man got on the train and leaned against the door. He took off his eye glasses, put them in his pocket, and fell asleep standing up, leaning against the door. Our train doors open on whichever side of the train the platform happens to be on, so sometimes the door would open on his side and knock him back awake. I really wanted to stand up and offer him my seat, but I was barely able to fit in my seat so I knew he wouldn’t be able to fit where I was until someone else got up. Finally another seat opened up on the bench, still too small for him to sit on but I was going to stand up to offer my seat so the woman next to me would get the hint and move down… and then the doors closed on the man’s backpack and jacket. Both items pinned in the doors. He groggily started tugging at the backpack to try to pull it out of the door, then gave up for a minute.

The J train is elevated 4 stories in the air as it travels through Brooklyn and Queens. This man resumed tugging on his backpack after the train pulled away from the station. If he fell out and somehow fell over the side… death would be better than not death, most likely. I was slightly horrified that he was making such a poor decision, and I was ready to make another poor decision of grabbing the pole in front of the door and then grabbing onto this stranger to stop him from falling out the doors when he finally got his backpack out.

Hypothetically the doors would seal shut if he ever did get the backpack out, but my mind likes to explore all options and focus on the least favorable scenario as I continue to elaborate my mind’s scenario, so I was convinced I would be springing up to catch him just in time…

And then the train stopped at my stop, the doors opened, he tugged his backpack away from the doorway, and I got off the train, never knowing if that man chose to continue sleeping standing up.

Do not lean on door, people. Do not lean on door.

I am troll-less.

I told you I took a train over the Brooklyn bridge and no one insulted me.

I knew that wasn’t right. It was the Manhattan Bridge I went over in the train. The J//M/Z go over the Williamsburg, the B/D/N/Q go over the Manhattan.

In related news, I intend to learn my bridges very soon.

I accidentally took a train ride over the Brooklyn bridge yesterday. That’ll teach me to try to transfer from the J to the N before I have my coffee. If you’re ever here for touristy reasons, I highly recommend the ride. Quite beautiful.

When I got to the Court Street stop I walked myself over to the Manhattan-bound R train that would take me directly to my stop. A girl (not yet a woman) with a suitcase asked me if the Q train ran on weekends. I told her I didn’t know because I’d never ridden the Q before. (According to MTA it does, but I didn’t know that then.) She then asked me if the R train would take her to Times Square. I responded that it would, but it’s a local train (Q is express, way fewer stops made) so it would take longer. I’m sure it wasn’t directed at me, but she gave the “why the fuck are you making me ride a LOCAL train to get to Times Square?!” look but boarded it anyway.

Local trains are technically slower, but because each stop is maybe 30 seconds the total added time for her trip was probably 5-7 minutes. The Q train wasn’t even there. If it did ever arrive she would have reached Times Square at or later than the R train.

I didn’t mention that, though. Just put my earbuds in and listened to my dance music until it was my stop.

I’m not going to BlogHer, but I want to suggest that anyone who is coming to NYC as a visitor pay attention to some tips from an NYC import:

- Make sure that any printed, PDF, app, or website versions of the subway infrastructure you use for reference is updated to June 2010 version. If your version of the subway map includes a V train you’ve got an old map. (The V train no longer exists.) MTA.info has the latest map in PDF form.

- Make sure to read ALL posted signs about service changes, paying close attention to train letters/numbers, dates, and times and whether the times are in AM and/or PM. Service changes are very tricky, take the time to process what you read. Ask someone else if the sign confuses you.

- Don’t hang out on deserted parts of the subway platform alone. Just don’t.

- If you see a red glowing light at a subway entrance it just means there’s no human there to help you. Go in, it’s ok. If the station is completely closed there will be gates up to tell you.

- If something is barracading an entrance to a station DON’T GO IN.

- Don’t flash your money or personal belongings around on the train, on the platform, going into the station, etc. unless you want to be robbed or followed then robbed.

- Your cell phone won’t work on the trains. Don’t rely on it to save you. Be smart, stay alert, all that good stuff.

- If you get lost ask someone who looks ok to ask. If that turns out to be a mistake, walk away and ask someone else. You have no obligation to continue engaging with a crazy person.

- We all get on the wrong train or end up going the wrong direction. It’s ok to be embarrassed, but it’s ok to get off at the next stop too. And it’s ok to look at a map.

- If people solicit you on the train it’s ok to ignore them.

- If someone makes you feel fear while you’re on the train, move away from them. Change cars at the next stop if you need to, but unless you’re in actual danger DO NOT go between cars via the doors that say not to use them. You don’t want to fall and you don’t want a ticket.

- If you drop something over the side of the platform do not jump down on the tracks to “save” it. That’s a death wish.

- Hold on tight while the train is moving. The drivers love to jostle us around.

- Don’t freak out at the turnstyle if your Metro Card doesn’t work. Just try swiping it 5 billion more times, and if that doesn’t work then run it through a card reader to the side of the turnstyles to verify it has money. If you were trying to use a single user card for multiple people the card is smart enough to know what time it was swiped and will deny you. You need to buy multiple cards.

- New York City is a grid. When you come up from below start walking in a direction that feels right. If the street numbers don’t go the way you were hoping, just turn around. It’s ok. You can turn around. No one even cares.

- Expect escalators and/or elevators to be out of service. That means you have to walk. WEAR SENSIBLE SHOES.

- The doors to the trains are operated by a human in the middle car of the train. They’re automatic in the sense that they re-open if they hit an object, but a person pushes the button to close them initially. So, be quick about getting on and off the train, but don’t FREAK OUT that you’re going to get stuck on the wrong side.

- Let people off before you get on, assert yourself off the train before others get on. Glare at people who violate these rules, but keep walking.

If I didn’t cover something you were wondering about subway navigation please ask me, please, please, I beg of you.

Friends who live in NYC – other tips?