Category Archives: Family

Christmas

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I had a really great Christmas. Everyone was way too generous in their gift giving. When questioned about this they simply would say “it’s just that kind of year” or “I love you!” and who am I to turn away the generosity of others because of their love for me?

Before Christmas I had actually not been in any sort of spirit for it, barely getting presents for anyone at all. I made out my Christmas cards while very sick, with no address book so I had to look up everyone I could remember and missed a lot of people, and I’m lucky I got out the 20 I did.

My favorite gifts were intangible — seeing friends I haven’t seen in a long time, getting to spend time with family members I love, seeing the happy smiles on faces of people who enjoyed what they receive, getting to try something new and simultaneously fearing and loving it (we drove on the 35 degree incline of the Bristol Motor Speedway, which hosts two NASCAR races a year, and I was so terrified my eyes were moist, but I would of course love to do that again).

I feel like I’ve lost my knack for writing tight blog posts, so just keep bearing with me.

My stepdad gave me the NASCAR track gift AND a Tempurpedic pillow when I told him that the pillow I was sleeping on in the camper made my neck better. He also showed up to a movie he knew would have a lot of things in it he wouldn’t care for, just so we could all be together. My mom gave me the gift of promising to come here in February to help me clean and organize the apartment. If you hadn’t noticed, Dawg and I never showed you a video of our home after we moved in. That’s because it’s a disastrous mess in here, mainly because of all the stuff I lugged here from Vermont. It all needs to go, or be organized so that it fits neatly here, and my mom is riding the Megabus to come all the way here to do that.

And Dawg’s mom told me she wants me to call her Mom. Because I’m a keeper. :)

My brother’s family sent us gifts from Vermont all the way to Tennessee so we could open them with my mom and stepdad. They were too generous, and I told them so, but they’re happy about it and I now have a fridge filled with peanut butter cups of varying shapes, and a neoprene cover for this MacBook Pro I’m typing into right now.

Dawg gave me items that tugged at my heartstrings because they were from him to me, and they are sentimental to us. And I loved watching him open his gift from Georgie because she truly got him one of the best gifts of all time — 4 pairs of pajama bottoms in a huge box, one pair flannel, one pair fleece, one pair cotton with Santa hat skull, and one pair polar bear. :)

I am a flawed person, and yet these people still love me. Such a great gift. The best, in fact.

Long time coming

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I’m finally going home tomorrow to bury my paternal grandmother on Saturday. She passed away 2 months to the day before her 90th birthday (July 3rd, a popular day for birthdays).

She had lung cancer.

Her death has brought me much more anxiety than I ever anticipated.

Her death has also allowed me to reflect upon and think fondly of time we spent together, both good and bad.

Odd, that.

The next day

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Today is my 4 years.

Today is the day I was sitting at my desk in my shared office in the basement of my work building in Vermont, collaborating with my officemate Carol and our very creative and artistic colleague about what design to put on shirts for our walk-in computer clinic.

We were brainstorming. Kicking around ideas. Justin was super animated, bouncing around like a caged bee between my desk and Carol’s across the room. iChat was open on my MacBook Pro, and it was chiming A LOT, but I absentmindedly turned off the sound because I was busy with the people in front of me.

And then my phone started buzzing. A text I will never forget. A text I didn’t believe. A text I truly hoped was a very cruel joke. A text from the person who had introduced me to Dawg’s Cereal Wednesday world, and therefore the world of Puppy Monster. A text telling me of the events the day before.

I excused myself from the brainstorm, went into the room with all the filing cabinets, and called Adam. I asked him if he was joking; he was not. I became more hysterical than I already was. I don’t remember the conversation because I was shutting down emotionally, but I eventually hung up. I went into the dark stairwell. I went into the bathroom no one ever dared go into. I went back into the room with all the filing cabinets. I just wandered while my mind raced.

And then I went back to my office and sat at my desk, stunned. I asked that we table our brainstorm discussion for a later time. Justin left the room and Carol went back to work. I just sat at my desk, frozen.

Before that text Dawg was an Internet friend. Puppy Monster was a special guest on his Internet cereal show. After that text, DJ was the first person I truly mourned and Dawg was someone I wish I could find in the world and give a hug until I could make it all better.

Today is the day four years ago that changed me as a person forever. The day I truly understood that life is too short and should not be wasted on a life lived without purpose.

Today is the day I celebrate DJ’s short life, even though I never got to be with him a day he was alive. Today, and every day, I think fondly of how DJ has his dad’s ears, his dad’s arms, his dad’s hands, his dad’s eyes, his dad’s button nose, his dad’s hammy smile for the camera. Today, and every day, I keep him in my heart where he belongs.

Thanks for reading.

I would like to write on my blog.

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The other night I tried to publish a post about my anger over a family member not being able to be buried because Vermont is in Mud Season and the ground does not meet the correct conditions for the gravesite to be dug up.

It’s very upsetting to wait for closure. And each day that we wait for the cemetery conditions to be right I find myself becoming more and more angry that my family must put a hold on their grieving process.

This family member lived a very long life, filled with both good things and challenging things, and deserves to be put to rest.

I’m borrowing that word my brother taught me at 3 so I can say:

Fuck you, Mother Nature.

Thanks to my blog for cooperating today, and for letting me post a much less polished display of my feelings on this subject so that I look like an idiot. You may not be renewed the next time your domain comes due.

Forever more

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Today marks the third anniversary of the day that Dawg drove through the night to see me in Vermont for our first date. It’s the day my cell phone, which never worked in my basement apartment, actually rang at around 6am on a Saturday. It’s the day I somehow fell asleep without earplugs the night before so I heard the unexpected call. And when I answered it I was told by the man I had slowly fallen from friendship like to a very healthy lust that he was sitting in a parking lot down the street and could be at my home in 10 minutes. It was the day I took the fastest shower possible, dressed the fastest I could in jeans and a t-shirt, and hastily dragged a comb through my then short hair.

It was the day I threw my arms around him to hug him when he walked through my door, but soon ended up kissing him. The day we went to Denny’s for breakfast. The day we came back to my apartment and hung out on my bed because I literally didn’t have furniture for guests. The day I watched him snooze like a puppy dog on my bed since he’d had no sleep the night before. The day we went to opening weekend of Cloverfield and, despite not being early, getting great seats anyway. The day we held hands while we watched on the stadium screen as the story of two lovers spending the day at Coney Island is taped over by a guy who thinks that NYC being destroyed by the hands of a monster with a venereal disease is way more important. The day we went back to my apartment so he could nap again before the long drive home because he had obligations in the city the next day. The day I knew I loved him and showed him with my eyes but was too scared to say it out loud to him.

And each day since then I have loved him even more. Through good and bad, he remains my best friend. He is still the one person who can bring me from the darkest corner of sadness to the sunshine of happiness with just a smile and a hug. The man I am happy to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for every workday, at 6am if I forget them the night before. The man I allow to fulfill the role as Dawggy to my furry kids, our furry kids.

The man I am excited to spend the rest of my days with.

Hi. :)

Three sides to every story

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It’s funny how there’s your reality of a situation, someone else’s reality of a situation, and the truth of a situation. The three can sometimes be so mismatched that you spend a really long time battling against closure and (what’s that other adult word people like to use?) forgiveness. Yesterday I finally quit the battle and forgave myself for my part in one of the most ridiculously mismatched situations I’ve ever been a part of.

As with life there are also many interpretations to music. One of my great friends on Facebook tagged me to play a little iTunes game:
1) Turn on your music player.
2) Go to SHUFFLE songs mode.
3) Write down the first however many songs you want that come up–song title and artist–NO cheating, please.

She suggested that if your shuffle presented you with the same artist more than once you should remove the duplicate and shuffle again so that any given artist or group is represented only once.

And here were my results:
1. The Fame – Lady GaGa (<--- this is how iTunes writes her name, instead of Gaga)
2. Run - Snow Patrol
3. Bojangles Remix - Pitbull featuring Lil Jon &Ying Yang Twins
4. I Like It Rough - Lady GaGa
5. The Chase - DJ Rob3
6. How You Like Me Now? (Single Edit) - The Heavy
7. When Love Takes Over - David Guetta featuring Kelly Rowland
8. No Compromise - John Deere
9. Rocket - Def Leppard
10. None of Dem - Robyn
11. High Roller - The Crystal Method
12. Ring-a-Ling - Black Eyed Peas
13. Cars That Go Boom - L'Trimm
14. More Than Friends - Estelle
15. Control Me - Booka Shade
16. Big Rooms Bigger Tunes - Stu Hirst
17. Hey Boy Hey Girl - The Chemical Brothers
18. Florida - Modest Mouse
19. Fever - Adam Lambert
20. Sabotage - Beastie Boys
21. Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship
22. 1 Thing - Amerie featuring Eve
23. Yes - LMFAO
24. We Walk - The Ting Tings
25. So Simple - Alicia Keys

I didn't take out my one duplicate (#4) but if I had then #25 would be:
25. No Joy in Mudville - Death Cab for Cutie

If I had to hazard a guess about myself based on this playlist I'd say I'm a really aggressive lover who enjoys also being aggressed upon by a famous guy who goes to Florida with me once in a while. Nice. :)

I just thought this was fun. And it made me happy so I’m sharing.

And finally, in closing: Happy birthday, Big Brother. :) I <3 u, old man.