I have had diagnosed / undiagnosed depression since I was a kid. I’m a delicate flower who doesn’t eat right, exercise, sleep enough, or do enough for myself to make myself happy.
I wake up every day happy about specific things, but Unhappy as a human being in this world.
I choose to continue to be Unhappy, despite telling myself in my last post to be happy.
Unfortunately, the Unhappy doesn’t always stay contained to myself. Sometimes I let it gush onto people I love. Sometimes I unleash the Unhappy Me, let her rear her beautiful head, and watch from within my body as consequences are dealt from her actions.
This past weekend I let Unhappy Me out to play. This weekend I honestly thought I fucked up the one great thing in my life, with all its beautiful imperfections and complications and colorful changes depending on the light source.
When I found out that I was overreacting, that I hadn’t actually ruined it (did I? I’m told that I didn’t) I promptly went to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet where, apparently, one is supposed to throw up.
My body doesn’t throw up on purpose for much. It’s kinda stupid about self preservation, so typically just holds onto bad stuff in my tummy. But I was so devastated and sure that I was suddenly Single in the City (ugh, UGH) that I literally became sick with relief when I found out that my boyfriend wasn’t leaving me for taking his words the wrong way and yelling at him for not actually doing anything wrong.
I never want to throw up from relief again.
This morning I watched a webinar from my work’s employee assistance program about stress reduction. I’d heard it all before, but it’s good to be reminded that sometimes I create realities that are not true. It’s good to hear that other people in the world misinterpret the actions of the one they love and assume (asssssss u me) that they are not loved because they jump to conclusions about their loved one’s intentions.
Sometimes a rose is just a rose, you know what I mean? Bad example, there was no rose involved. But sometimes there are no motives behind what someone is doing. Sometimes they’re just living their life next to you, struggling with their own Unhappy Me to get through their day the best they can. And sometimes I’m just stirring a pot so the observer in me can watch Unhappy Me have that bad day she expects to have.