Things did not end well with me and the ex. I haven’t spoken to him in about two years. We just don’t see eye to eye on life, and he has no interest in being a positive part of my life. This also means that it has been three years since I’ve seen his family. I don’t really think about them much because they’re not mine anymore.

Isn’t that weird? I was in his life for 10 years and yet our inability to resolve our issues results in me losing the status of sister, daughter, cousin, niece, granddaughter to an entire family.

Some days that’s pretty overwhelming, particularly on the days when my boyfriend is invited to family functions by his ex’s family because they are still such good friends and he is still considered important to her family, although his title is Family Friend now instead of stepdad, brother, son, grandson, cousin, nephew.

Most of the time I just push my complete erasure from my ex’s family to the deep, dark, uncharted territories of my mind. And then something unexpected happens and I flash back.

Saturday night Dawg and I wanted to stay in and watch a movie on demand. We looked through the movies together and settled on Dear John. We knew we would cry through it, because it’s a tear-jerker. Minutes into the movie John meets Savannah. Minutes more into the movie the two are at a party together and Savannah introduces John to Allen, an autistic boy who is the son of Tim.

Triggering my flashback.

Allen was the biological four-year-old son of Hay’s aunt. The first time we met we fell in kid love. I loved his spirit, he loved that he could call me his girlfriend. Allen and I played for hours each time we saw each other. Allen looked exactly like the boy in the movie. And so I burst out crying because I realized that I had forgotten Allen ever existed.

Because I’m not allowed to be part of that family anymore. Or that boy’s life. And I never got to say goodbye to him, I just disappeared from his life.

And that was a choice I made, knowing the consequences.

sigh.