Monthly Archives: March 2010

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A lot of things are changing above my head at work. I had so many big plans for my Life this year but trying to hold onto this job means I lose my freedom to go on all the adventures I’d planned to go on. I mentioned TequilaCon already, but not Hadrian’s Walk.

Remember a long time ago I said I would be going to England to participate in a charity event? :( Not gonna happen. I was pretty sad about it when I realized it, and actually worried about it to the point of making myself feel sick (no, I didn’t tell anyone, suffered in silence as usual), but when Dawg and I finally sat down to email Dan that we couldn’t attend I just started sobbing. I hate letting people down, it makes me feel guilty and worthless. But even more than that, I resent so very much that I am choosing to stay at this job out of fear that I won’t get another and so this job is keeping me from physically supporting a cause that is very important. It puts me in the deep, dark, angry place where I want to spin around with my fists out, destroying everything in my path, and then I want to walk out the door of my place of employment and never return.

And you wonder why I think money is stupid.

There’d be a lot less fear in the world without it.

And I really need to figure out how to accept this situation or get off my lazy fucking ass and do something about getting a job where I don’t worry about being let go every day despite giving more than 100% every day.

Can she do it?

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I wrote this post this morning. While I was writing I decided, “you know what, mama? How about instead of asking if you CAN do it you just fucking get it done and be the champion you know you are?” So, all the stuff that’s crossed out is what I DID do today…

I have to do these things. I’m sitting here not doing them because I don’t feel well, waiting for my DayQuil to kick in. I work well under pressure so we’ll see.

Gotta:

. put the laundry together
. get the laundry to the place to have the laundry done for us
. put all the recycling out so we stop looking like hoarders
. do the dishes
. do the kitty boxes
. give the girls their weekend love
. fix a computer in another time zone
. do some cereal eating
. attempt to make Mikey’s maple pie
. buy containers for Easter candy
. put the Easter candy in said containers
. pay bills
. have Poppy Dawggy time (in whatever form our old bodies will let us)
. have Wrestlemania Easter Sunday at Mama Dawg’s with the NJ crew
. eat, sleep, groom
. kick this fucking cold to the curb

There’s stuff left on that list, but this weekend isn’t over yet, is it? Nope. :)

Laundry list

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I got new laundry bags on Monday from Duane Reade. Love Duane Read. Wish you all had Duane Reades. They’re awesomeness. Haven’t used the laundry bags yet, they’re still sealed up, had planned to do laundry on Sunday but it turned into a very lazy day to let Dawg recover from his cold.

I have the cold now. Yaaaaaay. *sneezecoughzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

I tried to tell LLA’s parents that my cold would prevent me from getting her birthday gifts to VT on time. I received an email back that her birthday is NEXT month. (PHEW!)

It’s Cereal Wednesday! I did a Marbits on a day when I wasn’t sick. Thank goodness for good planning.

Today is supposably (no I don’t really say that word) Dave2‘s birthday, so I’ll dedicate today’s CW to him. Hope he likes fiber!

I was going to join Ren and Finn‘s Diptych project this week, but laziness and this damn cold makes me need to wait another week.

The number of people who have responded to me about BeerHer is nice and low. I can’t say I’m sad about that, because that means absolutely no planning on my part, we all just show up and have tons o’ fun, but if you do want to to come please mention to me so if we change venues I can make sure tell you.

Ok, bye. :)

OH! PS – Diary of a Wimpy Kid was awesome and so was the Red Robin blackened chicken sandwich!!!! RR always fucks up my burgers (I tell them well done, they give me moo inside) but the chicken is outta this world!!!!!!! Ok, reallybye.

Allow me to be your TequilaCon 2010 Anti-Christ (with the TC committee’s blessing)

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When I heard the news that TequilaCon was going to be in Vancouver this year I was very happy for The Canadians and The West Coasters but not so psyched for myself. I mean, do not get me wrong, I adore Canada and have never been to Vancouver so would be very excited to go but… I wanted to be able to teleport there, thus avoiding airport headaches, airplane travel, expense, and time off from work.

And then, not that I need to mention this but it does legitimize my concerns, my work had an all staff meeting with “good news!” that I’m very sure no one was tricked into believing was actually of the good variety. I’m still employed for now. I don’t exactly trust that I will still be employed in April. And the lack of trust here has nothing to do with my self worth tank. But even if I do still have a job then it would nooooot be a wise time for me to be like “oh, hey suckas, I’m gonna go get my tequila on with all my friends, byyyyyyyyeeeeee!” so long story mid-sized-paragraph-long: I’m not going to TequilaCon 2010 in Vancouver.

If you have or had any intention of going to TequilaCon, I hope I don’t have so much influence over you that you change your mind (read: please still go to TC10), but if not and you’re on the east coast or had any plans of travelling to NYC for dates spanning April 24, 2010, please consider joining me…

Ginger Man Beer 2nd annual BeerHer
Saturday, April 24, 2010
6:00pm Eastern (18:00) – 4:00am Eastern (04:00) / end
The Ginger Man
11 East 36th Street
Neighborhood: Murray Hill
Borough: Manhattan
NY, NY 10016
Tel: 212-532-3740
Bring extra monies, these guys even have beer to go, if you like it.

One of my most favorite people in the world chose this spot and when I saw it I squeeeeeed just a little bit. They have over 150 beers in draft or bottle form and a really simple yet awesome German-style food menu.

We’re gathering to mingle and have fun. Please show up ready to socialize with the whole group. Also, this is a drama-free event. We will NOT be spending the evening gossiping or bellyaching about other people or our shitty lives, we are there to PARTY and drink beer and be happy. All people with same minded desire are welcome to attend. :) And if you start drama at me expect the HBIC to come out and tell you to zip it. Oh, and we’re going to a barrrrrrr so don’t bring anybody under 21 for the purposes of drinking. I’m not spending the evening explaining how your guest who cannot hold his liquor looks like Don Johnson even though he thinks he’s dressed like Colin Farrell or Aaron fucking Carter and I will have no sympathy for any young’uns who get their fake IDs confiscated.

The favor of your Yes reply to me via this blog post, Twitter, Facebook, email, or txt message is requested by Friday, April 9 at 11:59pm Eastern. This gives me a general head count so we know if we seriously need to try to reserve space or if we can just freestyle walk in there. Also, I just like knowing who’s going to show up in case we change venues so I can notify you that we’re moving to a new spot during that night. Don’t want anyone thinking “wow, everyone hates me, no one’s here and no one told me they wouldn’t be here!” cuz that’s like having The Naked Dream. You know the one. If you tell me you’re coming and then later are not able to come please mention that too.

I am so fucking stoked I can’t fucking stand it.

Update: Yes, YES, oh HELL yes, men are welcome to attend this event. Just make sure you bring a bra to burn. (Kidding about the bra part!)

Happy St Patrick’s Day

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In contributing to my self worth tank I decided to continue to do Cereal Wednesdays of all the cereals we have acquired over the last year, and to keep doing episodes for as long as it keeps being fun. This week it’s a special holiday episode where Dawg graciously agreed to sit with me for breakfast. Here goes… (I want you to click through, your support over there is very much appreciated, kthx. Drink responsibly today!)

Please allow me to indulge myself

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This post will help me add to my self worth tank and hopefully adds a little bit to the others in this photo. Who all happen to be bloggers (at least the ones you can see).

TooJays

This was taken at breakfast in Altamonte Springs, FL the morning of October 24, 2009.

From left front, clockwise to right front I will now exact my tank fillage:

Me, Poppy: You are beautiful, mad intelligent, quirky, and helpful. You actually genuinely care about other people but know when it’s a really good idea to turn away from things that are toxic. You love your wrists, your button nose, and your funny Buddha belly. Your hair really is gorgeous, it doesn’t need to be red for people to love you. It does not define your worth. What’s on the inside does. And what’s inside of you is a treasure that keeps surprising me daily. Keep on surprising me, kid.

Dawg: You are always there for other people. Always. You speak your mind, you don’t care what other people think about you, you drink girlyie coffee and don’t care, you tell me my cooking is yummy even if you don’t like it (tofu!), you take wonderful care of our kids, you work so very hard and do amazing stuff in your field that makes me proud to even know you, let alone be your girlfriend.

Finn: You are so incredibly sage. I turn to you when I need advice. You are beautiful on the inside and out. You aren’t afraid to say out loud something that might not be considered socially acceptable, or if you are afraid then you do a great job of hiding your fear. You admit when you are unhappy and that makes you even more loveable. I look forward to seeing you whenever I know we will be in the same place. I often forget you don’t live here with me, and think so fondly of our time together at Pinch and S’mac and the bagel place. I just adore your presence, no words need be exchanged. You make my heart sing by just being you.

(I am skipping Mister. He is awesome, but I think he’d prefer that I NOT embarrass him on the internets by calling attention to him. :)

Robin: You have gone through a lot of shit in life and you still come out the other side a strong, confident woman who doesn’t take anyone’s bullshit. And on those vulnerable days when you’re beaten too far down you tell us so we can help you crawl out. It takes so much strength to ask for help. You are so strong. You are an amazing person, so intelligent, so strong in knowing you deserve respect and to be treated well and like a fucking human being! And I love that you laugh at stuff that old ladies don’t understand. I love that you really want to get laid and consider marrying your laptop. I love that you just randomly start dancing to “Freak of the Week”. (Did I mention you are strong? I did? Oh, ok. :)

Rachel: You have fantastic boobies, you are an incredible aunt to Princess, you magically have the most awesome home despite having the shittiest job on the fucking planet, and you are doing something to better your life instead of letting that shitty fucking job tear you into oblivion. Courage, bravery. Also, guys, she has fantastic legs. If you’re a boob or a leg man… c’mon. You amuse me by trying to plan out every minute of life, and I know I tease you about that, but I’m a jackass to you and you still love me for it so that makes you extra awesome.

Kim: I had no idea who you were before that weekend. I just didn’t know anything about you. And the person I met was confident and open to people despite having gone and going through some seriously horrible shit. You had me at corn beef hash (which you know I hate). You are so charming and genuine and fun and beautiful inside and out. You deserve very good things in your life, and you make those good things happen. I admire your strength.
I admire your courage. I admire how well you have it together, but when you’re having a tough time you say something so your friends can help you through. Thank you for being you.

Ren: I was wrong about you when I first met you. I didn’t know you so well and I thought you were a stalker so I was very guarded around you. And I definitely do feel bad about that because I tried again to see your awesome qualities and realized that you are an awesome father and husband, an amazing photographer, a genuine friend with a pure heart (no stalker in there, just an actual nice guy, which is bizarrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee, I mean, who’s a nice guy anymore?! YOU!), and you have your friends’ backs.

These people are family to me.

There are so many more people to boost in life. Keep passing on the good stuff, people. You build up your self worth by finding the very best in others. I promise.

Fill up your self worth tank

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I recently learned that my personal self worth is directly related to my ability to trust others. In learning this fact I also was able to realize that, through every fault of my own, I allowed my self worth tank to become very depleted.

It’s really much easier to allow my self worth to become very low than it is to keep it maintained at a healthy level. And I know I’ve spent way more of my life allowing my self worth tank to run on low or empty than I have allowed it to be above 3/4 full.

But in order to maintain healthy, productive, growing, nurturing relationships with those around me I need to put in that effort for others, and most of all for myself, in believing that I am worthy to:

be loved
love
be trusted
trust
be my partner’s one and only
be faithful to my partner

To believe I don’t deserve happiness, to believe that those closest to me are really just around to hurt me, will result in them leaving me eventually. Because who the hell wants to live life walking on eggshells trying to figure out how not to upset me just because I haven’t done the work to keep my self worth at a stable level so that I don’t become a paranoid mess in the corner? And it will, in fact, be my fault that I pushed them away. Self sabotage. (boooooo hissssss)

What I’ve learned also about self worth is that it is very difficult to build my own self worth back up, but it’s a lot easier to build others’ self worth with my words. I really do need help from others to remind me of why I deserve good things in my life rather than bad. I normally don’t reach out for help from others, but then I feel so very isolated and perpetuate my feelings of unworthiness.

Soooooo, here’s the challenge: Fill up someone else’s self worth tank. Let’s say nice things about how awesome each other is so that we feel like our existence on this planet is not a waste of space, time, and energy. If you’re strong enough to say nice things about yourself, then do that too.

You can say it in a comment here, you can write your own post, you can make a vlog, you can email the person, you can write tweets, you can post photos, you can change your Facebook status or write on someone’s wall. You could even call someone or write them a letter or show up at their house, I suppose.

And if you really need some self worth but you’re having trouble building it for yourself please reach out and ask for help.

And if this is a big flop and nobody does it then that’s gonna suck donkey balls but I’ll find other ways to increase my self worth on my own, such as: sending myself a gift basket, sending myself flowers, getting my hair done, getting a hot stone massage, cooking an incredible dinner and enjoying every bite, hanging out in a kitten pile (with maybe a Dawggy thrown in ;) on the bed, writing my thoughts and dreams and aspirations in my own actual handwriting on lined paper, telling myself “I love you” in the mirror.

Thank you.

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To everyone who voted for me for Hot Blogger Calendar: Thank you.

It’s more about your support than it is about the win. I have no idea if I did win, since voting is through today, I just want you to know that I genuinely appreciate your efforts.

Life is good when good friends and family surround me. :)