Before we went to Santa Fe a low carb cookbook arrived in the mail, and Dawg cheerily told me that he’d be eating low-carb when we got back from our trip! I thought that was a wonderful idea at the time, although carbs are like my BFF so I had no idea how to do any of that.
Time passed, and we fast forward to Saturday, May 2. It’s the end of Dawg’s week-long vacation post-Santa Fe trip and it’s time to start preparing for the low carb diet that starts Monday, May 4. While he sleeps in I painstakingly look through the low carb cookbook for common foods that fit this new diet lifestyle we will partake in, as well as tweet back and forth with several people about which foods are good for this type of diet ahem, LIFESTYLE 
. In the end I have a food shopping list 12 miles long that I think is suitable.
Something to know ahead of the shopping part of the story: I’m trying my very hardest to get through this weekend as pleasantly as possible even though my monthly affliction of blood and moodiness is upon me. A very hard event to get through with style and grace, and you’d think after 23 years I’d have that one mastered, but … not so much. Saturday was horrible. I just felt depression in my mouth and was miserable the entire day. I just didn’t want to speak to the world. When Dawg asked me if I wanted to go food shopping after we had done many other things I told him, in my most honest words, that if we did go food shopping I would (oh, how did I phrase it?) not have a good time at all whatsoever and would take the rest of the world down with me. So, we went home!
Along comes Sunday. We slept in, ate lunch, then went food shopping! I pulled out my grandest of lists which included many low-carb-friendly vegetables, cheeses, meats, and a few common ingredients for many of the recipes in the cookbook. We started out in the vegetable section, where Dawg has NO interest. I knew that, so I didn’t think too much of his lack of enthusiasm. Then we headed out of the produce section and suddenly we saw frozen burgers — turkey and beef. Those were not on the list and I was starting to get this feeling that things were going to go a little not-the-way-I-had-planned so I sweetly and optimistically told Dawg to pick whatever meats he knew were going to work for him. He started perusing the meat and since I had no input past what I had written down on a list I told Dawg *point point* “I’m going down that aisle” and walked away. I walked down the entire length of the aisle so that I could start walking toward Dawg when he arrived in the aisle. I picked up several jars along the way, as many as I could carry… and then I almost dropped all the jars in my hand, TWICE. But I kept it together and kept on walking back toward him!, except… um, he never was walking toward me, and I didn’t have my cell phone on me.
I finally juggled all my items to the end of the aisle and found him parked at the end of the next aisle. I clumsily dropped my items into the cart and just … paused for a second, then said “I know it’s easier for you to park at the end of an aisle, but I need the cart to be in the aisle with me so that I can pick up all the items from the list.” His response: *smile “I got all the meat!” My PMS thoughts in my mind, which I did NOT utter aloud: “What, do you want a fucking COOKIE or something? Bitch, GET THE CART OVER TO WHERE I AM.”
We continued on our way and then it fucking happened again. I’m trying to pick out cheese and he’s staring at me from across the aisle, between us which is a dolly packed with dairy products and two women with carts, chatting. There was no easy way for me to put items into the cart. I got royally pissed by this and just lost it. “I’m ALL DONE.” I dropped the list in the cart and walked away. I went and got my items from the hygiene aisles and tossed some guy out of our cart’s way so I could throw those products forcefully into the cart. I then screamed over and over in my head: WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF HAVING A WINGMAN WHO’S NOT ANYWHERE NEAR YOU?! I might as well bring my own fucking cart around! I HAD TAKEN THE TIME TO MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIST THAT WASN’T BEING FOLLOWED *AND* I WAS THE ONE PICKING UP ALL THE ITEMS AND LUGGING THEM AROUND THE STORE WITHOUT THE CART. WTF1!!@1@!`!113#11111@21
I shut down, folded my arms, and refused to participate in the rest of this process.
And forgot to buy my Midol. *rolling eyes*
Morals of the story: There are always at least two sides to one, and Midol should be located in aisle 1. Oh, yup, and: See the tag. 
All this DRAMA could have been avoided if you would have given me a fuckin’ cookie!!!
C is for Cookie… that’s good enough for me…
It’s going to be really hard to low carb it without vegetables
I understand, I’d probably be mad too, if I had made a list for Mike and he didn’t follow it, especially since the whole low carb thing is for him, you’re just being supportive. I get it. Especially if PMS is involved.
You can totally do no carb without veggies. Meat, cheese, mayo, and blue cheese dressing. It’s beauty on a plate.
Canned cheese and Midol… it sounds like a solution has already been found!
When I read Dawg’s version, I was wondering if you might be having PMS. After 20 something years, I think I would have mastered it too, but PMS in my 30s is nothing like the PMS I had known before. And every year it seems to get worse. Personally, I sometimes wonder if I even will have what you and Dawg have because of that monster that comes out those few days while I’m sitting on the inside saying, “Who the F*** is this person?”
“Who the fuck is this person?” — sooooo true! And you can see it from the inside but there’s nothing you can do to stop her. So weird. Well, except maybe the Midol.
PS – NO COOKIES for the low carb monster. :p
MY sweet little 17 year old daughter informed me last night, “I just started my period and I will kill you in your sleep Biznitch!” I think it is sweet how she feels she can communicate with me so openly… or at least that is what I tell her for fear of an unwarranted stabbing. …and still, I slept with one eye open.
LOL.. I saw your tweet about this, but didn’t realize it was THIS bad… Whew.. poor girl…
Ooooh, Poppy – I so know of your monthly affliction…
I am amazed I haven’t gone homicidal on anyone, or at least seriously maimed them.
And I get sooo klutzy – I’d have dropped those jars, so..
Poppy FTW!
Holy moly! I totally get like that too… I love my Midol.
I would have rather starved then grocery shop in that mood!
Glad you both made it through alive though.
Hahahahahahaha!
I feel for you Poppy but oh man do you make me laugh.
::hugs::
You guys are hilarious! We’re totally the same way.
Now there’s one wonderful thing about menopause. No more PMS. Because, for me, it got worse before it got gone.
I now shop alone. At night. On Tuesday. With my iPod. It rocks.
Hm, yeah, it appears that you (understandably) overreacted. But of course, it wasn’t unfounded.
I don’t know what I’m doing here, it’s not like you needed my approval. Guess I don’t have anything better to say.
This is why I NEVER go into a grocery store without my own cart. I don’t care if we are picking up three items and meeting at #1 checkout in 2 minutes. The next thing you know I have 6 more items I know we need and Marvin is nowhere to be found, although I must admit the meat aisle is also one of his favorites. When I an ready to go, I do not want to spend my time searching for him. It makes me crazy. Cell phones are a must to call and say “I’m out of here”.
Carbs are my BFF, too.
No Carb? Dayumn…
Aunt Flo is here? I offer you my condolences. ::hugs::
I had zero problems until I went off the pill then it went all to fricking hell. I still cannot believe I didn’t kill a few someones before my partial hysterectomy(BEST. THING. EVER.)
It took me a while to figure out how I could work in the veggies. It’s a work in progress*GRIN*
This is a really accurate description of how PMS works [to undermine your personality].
I’ll be low-carb by the end of the week. Wish me luck!
This is why I prefer to shop alone.
Back in cave man days when the guy came home and said, “I got all the meat,” it was a big deal. These days it lacks the ooomph it once had — unfortunately nature hasn’t gotten around to totally knocking the I-got-the-meat pride out of guys so we still feel the need to tell someone about it.
(BTW, I’m on my way to buy some KFC right now. Chicken and two frikkin’ sides.)
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