It has happened 3 times in the last 12 months, the most recent occurrence having been this week, that men I dated when I was much younger have contacted me to apologize for their hand in our relationship’s demise. They are not reaching out because they have any interest in gaining their way back into my heart and stealing me away from the man I will love for the rest of my life. They’re just at their own points in life where they are making mental inventories of their past, or they read my blog because someone told them about it *cough* and saw that I have a bitter, bitter outlook on our relationship.
The cold, honest truth is this: Once you break up with me… you are pretty much dead to me for a severely long time after. I don’t want you anywhere near me, I don’t want to talk to you, I won’t entertain the thought of a second chance, and any explanation you could even imagine giving me for why you broke up with me is inconsequential to my brain.
You know why, though?
It’s because I didn’t know how to have a relationship with you, things started going horribly wrong, I had no idea how to fix it or ask you to work with me to fix it, I didn’t think I was worth your time or thought process to work on the relationship with me, so I mentally checked out and you closed the deal of breaking things off with me. (And most of you did that by cheating on me. That’s not me being a whiny little bitch. Your action, no matter how justified you made it in your head, was the most awful thing you could have ever done to me and as a result I have since struggled with my self worth, struggled with wondering if I am ever enough for the person I’m with, struggled with not knowing how to handle if someone gives my man more attention than is comfortable and not assuming he has some reciprocated hand in the matter.)
So, thanks for that. (Bitter: CHECK!)
When I was 13 I broke up with my first boyfriend because I saw a glimpse of our future together and it terrified me. And it was such a horrible feeling that for the next 9 years I would subconsciously sabotaged each and every relationship rather than end it, which made guys break up with me. Then at age 22 I met Hay who I now refer to as The Ex and we did our best to have a great and effortless relationship. Unfortunately, we were so effortless about it that we never talked about the big stuff. Well, we kinda did. We managed to somehow agree we’d get married and have a house together, but beyond that we put no effort into maintaining our relationship. I kinda wanted to, but I was scared about how to approach it because I was scared that if I asked questions I’d stop being that cool girlfriend/wife who was just so nonchalant and easygoing and happy all the time, and instead be perceived as the nagging bitch who was only good for cooking meals and a lousy lay every once in a while, so I ended up turning into a psychotic mess who couldn’t bear another moment in that life of mine and ran far, far away from a situation I felt I could never correct even if we spent the rest of our lives trying.
I’m repeating that pattern. Of not talking about the big things that are on my mind. Of not checking in to see if things are “goosh” or need to be worked on, because I am scared to rock the boat. Of asking if my life plan (also referred to as “the future”) is anything that this guy I love with my full heart, and way more, wants as well. (And… what happens if we don’t want the same thing? What then?) And I know we talked about big things using a book that B had sent us to see how compatible we were on life issues before I made the big move to NYC. At that time we seemed pretty fucking compatible, but time has marched on and some of those questions are again on my mind because of things I’ve heard/read him say/write or not heard/read him say/write, and I go through my days with the thought of not knowing the answers humming in the back of my mind.
I sooooo hate the humming. It makes me crazy.
A few times lately I’ve almost dared to ask the most pressing question on my mind. Each and every time either I’ve chickened out or something has interrupted us. And, wouldn’t you know it? He doesn’t randomly ask me big questions. But I think a few things I’ve said around the internets might have tipped him off that I have questions on my mind. And Wednesday night at bedtime I did say to Dawg “I have a question for you” but unfortunately I was just wondering how many times in a row you can use your Metro card through the turnstyle if you are using a regular Metro card rather than the unlimited use per day card. He told me he wasn’t sure and then said “I thought you were gonna ask me a good question.” And I asked, “what’s a good question?” And he said, “I don’t know…” And rather than seizing that moment I just said I’d start asking him questions at bedtime from now on, knowing that I had no plan to ask my biggest question/s that night because it was too late and I knew that no matter how calmly I asked it, no matter how positively or negatively the conversation went, I would end up crying. And who wants to cry at midnight when you could be cuddled in your man’s arms, breathing in his scent, drifting off into dreamland, knowing things are very solid between you and him as long as you don’t ask those big questions?
Yup.
So.
*ramble ramble*
I don’t want to fuck this relationship up. I’m scared of doing exactly that. But it’s not fair to not ask what’s on my mind. And if I can’t ask what’s on my mind and have to worry about staying The Cool Girlfriend vs. a real woman with real feelings and fears and questions and wonders about the future (tomorrow, in 5 years, the golden years, eternity) then this will break too. But I want truthful answers, honest answers, answers I may not be ready to hear but need to hear. And the more I think it out the more it makes sense that even if I fuck everything up by asking what’s on my mind then that would mean it was likely to get fucked up anyway so what, exactly, am I waiting for?
Well. If you’re anything like me, you’re just trying to hang in there and have as much of the ‘breathing in his scent’ part before it’s all fuckered up beyond repair. Not that I recommend that. I wish I could say something more helpful, but I’m in a similar place.
Wow…Poppy….that was powerful! What, exactly, are you waiting for? I think you’re waiting to feel brave enough to face your fears head-on. It’s obviously that you’re scared and you don’t want to go out of your comfort zone.
But that nagging, buzzing in your head? That’s your courage telling you that you really are ready.
If you think you’re ready to ask the questions then you’re ready. I’ve been in your position and at times still am and it’s always better on the other side. Regardless of the answers…
Holy crap Poppy, you just gave voice to the crazy in my head any time I’m in a relationship that looks like it may go somewhere even remotely good. Thank you for this post poppy. You made me cry. Ask him.
Remember that night in my truck on the way to Sparky’s when we traded stories about our lives? I totally gained so much respect for you because you showed me how strong you were. I believe that there are some things we will never be “ready” to do or see. However, you? You can totally do this. Seriously.
Hope this makes sense…i’ve been blubbering lately.
Well, I’m proud of you because you admitted to having all these questions to ask. And you were brave enough to write about it here, which will probably lead to a conversation with Dawg. I have a feeling it will all be okay after you get it all out.
Hugs,
J.
The things you say here have gone through my head so many times. And I’ve been married 14 years. For me it’s truly a case of “It’s not you; it’s me.” I have a hard time feeling worthy of my husband’s love. Ask your questions. You need to know.
You know what they say…Just Do it!
Ask. Scary? Yes. But nothing worth having isn’t at least a little scary. It’s scary because you care so, so much – and feeling is what makes us alive (albeit crazy).
xoxoxo
The Universe is trying to tell you something, to help you learn from your mistakes.
Ask. You may not hear what you want to hear, but you may hear what you need to. Trust in your love. Trust in The Dawg. Trust in yourself.
Know what makes my wife cool and why I married her? She doesn’t pussyfoot around when something is bothering her. When something is on her mind she gets it right out in the open so we talk about it. In many ways, she is braver that way than I am, and it became one of her most attractive qualities.
Don’t be weak when it comes to voicing your feelings and getting the answers you need to silence the “humming.”
It seems like you don’t realize how much compromise goes into a relationship. You have someone who will listen to anything you have to say and even if the picture you paint isn’t the exact same as his, there’s always a place in the middle. Knowing you, I’d guess that some of that future includes a happy Dawg in it, too.
Just ask him. Talk away.
Oh do I ever get a lot of this. I think it’s a lot of the reason that I’m still single. I try so hard to be the laid back, fun girl that no one ever takes me seriously, and it’s impossible to go to the next step…
From everything I’ve heard around the internetz though, it sounds like Dawg is totally the kind of person that you can ask the big questions to – I would just bite the bullet and do it. (How’s that for assvice from a stranger?)
xo
Ask him, Poppy.
The Dawg is good…the Dawg is wise.
I think I’ll make my comment and read the others after.
I know in my relationship, we had a lot of trouble talking about our feelings and the big things on our mind. And after a while, I just stopped caring. But you both care about each other, and part of caring about each other is taking a chance, and saying things that might be uncomfortable, but letting him have the opportunity to answer those questions. Because that humming , you don’t need that either. And you both deserve the honesty and openess, because life isn’t always about being perfect and happy. (This from a person who has been accused by more than one other person that I was thinking too much Hollywood about things. Yes, my life is a romantic comedy. :eye roll:) And it is good to know you are on the same page, because those issues will keep coming up.
But, it’s not easy asking those questions. There never is a “right time”. I think you just have to say, “Now’s as good a time as any.”
And my little box is not scrolling down so I can’t see the rest of this comments. I hope there aren’t typos. And good luck!
Ask. You owe it to yourself.
Whatever happens after the question leaves your lips will just be yet another of life’s building blocks, good or bad.
I agree with Blonde Blogger– I think you’re ready to ask those questions– unfortunately that doesn’t make it any less scary. If Dawg loves you (and I think he does!) I think he’ll want to talk and ease your mind.
I can’t really articulate a poignant comment, but I just wanted to say I relate to a lot of that, and I applaud you for writing it. Also, probably the first step to not repeating a pattern is to recognize the pattern. I think you’re on the right track, and I think it’s going to be OK. Even when you do finally ask those big questions.
Personally, I have next to no relationship experience, but from the corner I’m hiding in, I do see some of the gears that turn the machine…. And the way I see it, these things sort of.. level up. If you keep avoiding all the challenges, you never gain enough experience points to overcome the bigger ones down the road. Sure, those challenges are not without risk – but so is crossing the road, and you can’t just stay at home because of that.
whoa poppy. whoa.
this is where i am at on a very deep level with someone presently in my life. if i smile and say sweet things i am the perfect girlfriend, but if i question or challenge, i am not worth the time or effort. i am not saying this is going on with you; i’ve met your man and love him very very much — but for me? it’s the questions, it’s the challenges, it’s all of that which i have to face.
i really just do.
…i should be able to ask questions. i should be able to reasonably plot out my next course of action. i shouldn’t have to ambiguously grasp for affirmation or guidance. this is what i do, and why? i don’t need to. i shouldn’t. i have a lot of people, i think, that would like to partner with me — i don’t give them a second look. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME that i don’t ask the questions, don’t challenge the status quo. i need to FIX this is what i am saying.
anyway.
i have faith in your particular man. i think if you ask the question, the answer won’t be as bad as you think. maybe you and me? we’re a little jaded. we’ve tried very hard in previous relationships, and it’s been for naught.
take that chance, honey. go out on that limb.
l,
c
A couple of things:
1) somehow I doubt you sabotaged all the relationships making the men break up with you. Those are 2 way streets.
2) more importantly – you are absolutely normal. Or at least, you’re not alone. You think that only you has that voice in the back of their head, wanting to ask those questions but afraid of the answers? Or maybe worse, letting the person you’re with see that you have these questions and you’re insecure? That there’s a scared person in there that is worried about screwing up the relationship?
If you don’t ask the questions, you’ll never know the answers, and that voice will always be back there, quietly trying to sabotage your happiness.
The hope is, of course, you’re at a spot in your relationship where the other person understands where all this is coming from and while it may not be the most comfortable conversation you’ve ever had, it will be a real one.
The real trick, that I haven’t had to figured out yet, is how much of that hope/worry/fear/distrust/history/baggage do you share with the person? Do you share it all and hope they don’t think you’re insane? Or do you only share some of it and hope that is enough that they get the real ‘you’?
Personally, I think you have to share it all. Just not all at once.
To risk or no to risk, that is the question. I think you have to. It’s just terrifying, that’s all.
Good luck. We’re all here for you.
You crawled inside my head and put words to all that I feel as well. For me, though it’s not just the asking, it’s the telling/saying all that I want to say but am afraid of the silence or the deadly “I know” that follows.
It’s good to question. A lot of good things were said in the comments…
I guess I’d have to sum it up as — instead of trying to find the perfect mate, BE the perfect mate. You’ll probably find the perfect mate that way.
I wonder if he is not saying some of those things for the same reasons you’re not – afraid to rock the boat. Afraid to let the sad in, the dark in, to something that is so awesome right now.
One of you has to have enough faith that you guys can handle a rocky boat to ask first…
You can borrow all of our faith in you for a while if you need to. XO
Britt said it perfectly. Maybe the Dawg has questions, too.
Thank you, everyone. Your comments mean more than I can say. <3
I’m late, sorry. But, can I just say? Reading your post, I can see that you know what you’re doing, and that you know what the right thing is to do. That puts you in the 99.95 percentile of relationships. Most people never get a clue. Consider yourself a genius.
Sugar, I know I am late and I hope you and Dawg have hunkered down and talked and then said ‘hi’ in affirmation of your love. I do want to thank you for this post. It made me again appreciate the test of fire Brad and I survived last June.
Sorry – it took me a while to figure out where I was. For a few minutes there, I thought I was at my insecure weepy fest blog.
Just goes to show us once again, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. I perceive you to be one of the smartest, brightest, most confident and wise women I’ve ever met. And holy hell are you smokin hot…but I think that’s one of those “beside the point” kind of things, right?
(Now I know why Crys had multiple comments – you restrict our space to prevent rambling!)
Another little cliche labely thing is that we never follow our own advice. Start following your own advice woman! You’ve helped me and encouraged me insanely over the last few months. If all else fails, talk to your mom. She’s pretty freakin’ amazing too.
I love you Poppy. And so does Dawg – hit him with you best shot! You won’t regret it, I’m sure. (Sorry for any typos – I am typing in the blank space right now!)