Saturday night Dawg and I did indeed go to the rescheduled-from-May-2nd-2008-performance of Kevin Smith, which was held in Englewood, NJ.

I am not impressed with Englewood’s accommodation of Mr. Smith. I am also not impressed with the intelligence level of the crowd regarding the style of Smith’s shows. The entire show is us, the audience, asking him questions and him answering them. It’s not a set show. His content is generally driven by the questions we ask. Granted, he goes off on the oddest seeming tangents for very long stretches of time, but that’s his charm. His shows go long. Very long. He started at 8pm. He likes to go until he’s done. When quarter to midnight rolled around he had about another hour or two left of people in line, based on the pace at which he was answering questions. I chose this time to go to the lobby for my first bathroom break and a fountain soda Coke from the lobby bar. While in the lobby and in the bathroom I had the very unpleasant experience of listening to people who worked for the theater as well as audience members bitching their heads off about how long the show was.

A. People who work the shows: You are making money. Shut up.
B. People who bought tickets: If you’re not into the format of the show THEN LEAVE. No one is making you stay. JUST YOU. It’s not like there’s a test at the end. It’s not like you didn’t get your $99 out of the show. So, fuck off.

I was listening to rumor after rumor that Smith had requested that he be able to take the stage until 1:00am but that the theater had been firm about their midnight curfew. I unknowingly I went back into the theater at about 11:55pm (I was one of the few people who paid attention to the “turn off your cellphones!!!!!” rule so had no time telling device to refer to), after having some trouble getting anyone to wait on me at the bar (too busy bitching) or anyone to open the door to the theater while both my hands were occupied with $2/8-oz glass, half filled with ice, of fountain soda Coke. When I finally did sit down the look on my face must have said “je n’suis pas amusée” because Dawg did ask if I was ok to which I curtly answered that I was fine. And then 5 minutes later the show ended. I almost had another Cloverfield experience. Fuck! I think that’s my new trademark, seriously: Walking out 5 minutes before the end of things and missing the ending. Sounds like a great trademark to have…

Anyway, I actually do digress from the main reason I am writing this post. It’s to tell you about one single, solitary segment of the performance. Kevin Smith was telling a story about a toilet and happened to mention that when he is in the comfort of his own home he now exclusively uses adult wipes, that “toilet paper is for poor people.” Now, really, he was joking about that snide remark, but when he said he only uses adult wipes I started nodding my head vigorously.

Raise your hand if you even know what an adult wipe is. It’s a baby wipe for adults. You wipe your netherly regious with it, to make you fresh and clean. My favorite brand is the Super Stop & Shop generic CareOne kind billed as “personal cleansing cloths” which I tend to use when I poop. Cuz, did you know? I poop! And when I poop it’s not always perfect and clean and smelling like flowers. It can be messy. So I use the wipes to clean myself off. And I like the way they feel… all squishy and refreshingly cleansing and they smell nice and they sting a little bit if you have any sensitive areas, but that means “it’s working!” so that part makes me happy.

If you are not using adult wipes, might I suggest you run out and buy some to try? And let me know what you think about them.

Now that I’ve talked about poop, let me tell you if I’m cute or sexy:

Yup, that sounds about right. You can take the quiz here.

Please listen to the Lick. Slam. Suck. talkcast this evening at 8:00pm Eastern during which Dawg and I will discuss transportation and lodging for the TequilaCon 2009 event!