I am really out of sorts.
Something happened last night that has happened before, will happen again, really shouldn't be a big deal, hasn't been a big deal in the past, but this time was just different for me. I got so upset after it happened that I was angry, confused, and so incredibly frustrated that I worked myself into an anxiety attack. Nothing to do but wait for the other side of those, so that's what I did. Sobbing and heaving and, fucking a do I fucking HATE that. Other side, and I'm still fuming about it and questioning my entire life's purpose and wishing I could go to sleep but I was so worked up that all I could do was sit in the dark and get angry and cry, repeat.
I woke up this morning feeling slightly less of that, but as the morning progressed and I was trying to clean up my apartment in case it gets shown today and pack up my things to go to New York I just got more upset again. And I noticed Georgie's weepy eye then saw the vomit on her treat plate and I almost stayed home just to take care of my sick kid, which to the working world doesn't mean a damn thing, but then she got all silly happy and rolled around and loved the love I was giving her so I decided she was ok and I left.
But I'm still completely not myself. I don't understand why I get completely psycho over something that isn't even anything to get all worked up about. Except I guess it's my insecurity about the stability of my life that sent me over this edge and I just need to take time to let it sink in that everything's going to work out just fine and I should stop worrying that every little thing is a sign of me not being good enough.
Something to do with the ex?
I'm sorry you were feeling down. Go get a free Slurpee! Or don't they have 7-11s in France?
Sometimes I think we share the same heart. I've been feeling exactly the same way recently. The anxiety attacks are the suck. Sometimes it helps me to just. breathe. I know the advice is lame, but that's all I got at the moment.
Some really awesome person gave me some great advice yesterday… "Being human is being flawed". Yep, she's an incredibly smart person!
Avi, there are Slurpees in my immediate future. I know it.
Mel, Don't you love it when your own advice comes back to bite you?
Oh, I'm sure you'll send it back my way again one of these days!
The more I read your blog, the more I think that we are so similar.
Oh honey, one of the things I marvel at the most about you is your ability to know you are good enough.
Should we talk about your beautiful butt to remind you?
You'll get this.
Just the same, I'm sorry you had that night. Those scary, overwhelming times have such a scary ability to swallow up everything else we know to be true. They rob us of our perspective.
But they pass. They're not uncommon, and they pass.
There's nothing wrong with you for having them.
Mel, yes. Unfortunately, likelihood is 100% for both of us.
Lynda,
I hope that's an ok thing.
Britt,
I just had that, "yah, you're right, I *AM* good enough" fist pounding moment. Thanks for that. 
There is just such little logic to this. I know it's just a straw that shows me there were other things I was worried about that culminated into one tiny little event, but it just feels shitty. I'm 34, how much longer do get I get to yell "grow up!" at myself?
(oops, I'm 33. whatever!)
It doesn't bother me. Probably as I read more I will find we are quite different.
I think we all have are moments. I hope you have a nice day, anyway, despite things not seeming on track right now.
The human mind is a silly thing. Associative chains are always working and sometimes lead to unpleasant places… Even when you don't consciously notice it. All it leaves to do is to roll up your pants, march your way through that murky water and get some sun on the beach somewhere over there, right behind it.
I hope we never grow up.
My husband said one of the reasons he fell in love with me was my ability to act like a kid in the blink of an eye.
I hate panic attacks. And you're right, it's because you're under a lot of stress. You are about to change your entire life. Forever.
It wouldn't be normal if you didn't second guess everything. Cold feet. Fear of the unknown. I would have thought you a heartless, unfeeling person if you weren't stroking out by now.
Hang tough. Do something silly. Jump into the swimming pool at your place in France FULL CLOTHED.
Look for an ice cream truck and then flag it down and get yourself an ice cream cone.
Yeah. That's the ticket.
[hugs] Poppy [/hugs] Want me to beat someone up? Cuz, I know a guy.
Maybe you were just tired or stressed. Sometimes that makes things seem worse than they are.
You are more than good enough, all the time. And I'll kick anyone's ass that doesn't think so — even yours.
Sometimes a really good cry/ freak-out session is just necessary, too. Not fun, but necessary, all the same.
You'll be okay. You are too damn smart and beautiful and sweet not to be. Period.
There are only two things that my mother taught me that made any sense.
one of them is:
"Is what you are worrying about going to matter in five years? If it isn't, it's not worth worrying over."
The other one had to do with buying classic clothing that never goes out of style.
I'll buy you a slurpee?
Lynda, I hope you enjoy the archives. There are some sane posts in there somewhere…
Creature, good advice.
Mattie, I think going on an adventure to find every free Slurpee in Queens qualifies as silly.
Dragon, no beating up necessary. Thank you for the hug, though.
Finn, I was tired and stressed. Definitely didn't help matters when I couldn't sleep. This always seems to happen the night before I travel to New York.
Sybil, you're right. But I just feel bad for the people on the receiving end of my freak-out. I know it's not pleasant in any way whatsoever.
Abs, what I was upset about last night will absolutely not matter in 5 years, so that's excellent advice.
Dawg, smartass.
I know this is against the rules…but sending you a hug.
tell me who has the ass that needs to be kicked and i am there. NO ONE fucks with the poppy.
(i'm sorry to hear that you were frustrated or overwhelmed or angry or wronged or anything less than the great things you deserve.)
Oh, Poppy. I don't know what's wrong, and I'm sorry. Everything in this life takes baby steps. Sometimes you fall down and go boom, and it's ok to just let it all out. Try not to beat yourself up, but if you do, know that it's ok to feel that way sometimes.
As an aside, I've found that a shot of Patron can dull the senses like nothing else.
xoxo
Sending happy thoughts Poppy's way…
It's all part of being a sensitive person. You feel things deeper than most people and that's really hard (believe me I know). Don't beat yourself up for it. You weren't born with a broken mouth. You were born with a beautiful heart!
poppy~~hate to say this~~but it is nice~~i'm 50 plus and i still need to grow up~~
char
i am asking for prayers and thoughts for my dad and my mom~~ask for peace and comfort
Wow. I think we might be twins. Except I'm 44. But you know what I mean. I did the same thing to myself the other night for two hours. And gave myself a stomach ache to boot.
Enjoy your slurpee.
J.
Steph, thanks. As long as there's no grope it's generally ok to hug the Poppy.
Hola, trust me, the only ass that needed kicking in this situation was my own. I was worked up over absolutely nothing, but I used that nothing as a culmination of a lot of other things going on in life. Let myself get the best of me.
DLil, you have NO idea how overjoyed I am that you're back in my bloggy arms. *sniffle* The situation has been taken to a DEFCON 0. Or, wait, is that a 1? Whichever, we're back at Poppy being just fine, thanks. Without alcohol, even!
But the next time I go psycho for absolutely-no-reason I am going to return to this post and read your comment over and over and over again.
Thank you, SH.
BB, crap, why do you have to know me too well like that? Cuz you're just like me in the heart, I know. Thank you.
Charlene, yah, I have no hope of growing up. Kid at heart. And immature at heart sometimes as a result.
HoosierGirl, isn't it fun when you have the stomach ache?! Argh.
The Slurpees were only 7 and 11/12 ounces (for 7/11 the date and 7-11 the store) so we skipped those and had Chili's instead. CHICKEN TACOS. 
(I hate chicken, which is the irony of that meal.)
Sorry you are having to go through this; I have had a rough week myself, so I feel your pain. I don't think you need to tell yourself to grow up; your childlike enthusiasm is one of the best things about you. Besides, it is normal to have meltdowns at any age, at least I think so. If not, I am abnormal with you.
Jen, it always makes me feel normal when you mention that you have bad days too. I don't know why. Thank you.