So, I have this dad guy whose birthday is very soon.
Our relationship has never been particularly stellar and it’s only gotten worse in the last year.
I won’t elaborate out of respect for the family, but my father is who he is and I just can’t have him in my daily life anymore.
My brother emailed me asking if I got my dad anything. I told him I didn’t.
Old Poppy would be scouring the internet for hours on end researching The Perfect Gift for a man who is impossible to shop for, and when you think you’ve found him The Perfect Gift he just shrugs at it, tucks it away, and says, “what’s next?” An example of this that has little to do with the internet is the time I spent with my dad listening to him talk about his clock repair hobby, watching as he showed me all the parts he has collected from flea markets and eBay and swap meets and personal friends. During that visit I took a really cool photo of a drawer filled with nothing but pocket watch faces. I later had that photo printed and framed then presented this as a sentimental gift to my father. He hurriedly said thanks, looked around to see if I’d brought him anything else, saw there was nothing else, then stuck it on the bottom shelf of his bookcase where his cat takes timeouts when he’s bad.
New Poppy is seriously considering sending him an email a day late that says “hope you had a good one.”
Hmm.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this lately…
but I kinda dig new Poppy.
July 8th, 2008 at 10:42 am
How about middle Poppy – just send an e-card?
July 8th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Britt, except New Poppy is kinda jackassy. I mean, really, if I had kids who couldn’t stand to be around me I’d be so very, very sad. And I’m sad that I can’t make my relationship with my dad work, but it takes two and only one of us was really ever working at it.
Avi, I guess.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:09 am
They don’t make Squishy Clock do they?
July 8th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Buy him a card and a generic gift, wish him “Happy Birthday”, and move on. Just my opinion.
J.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I don’t have a great relationship with my father, either. He’s basically been uninterested in raising children, I see him maybe 3 or 4 times a year. On father’s day my brother called him at about seven at night to wish him a happy father’s day, so I asked him to hand me the phone. I wouldn’t have made the effort to call him if matt wouldn’t have already been calling.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:47 am
If it makes you feel better to acknowlege the day in some small way, do it. You don’t have to please him (apparently you can’t — not your fault), you simply have to be OK with you.
Were it me I’d send him a short email wishing him a good day and then forget about it. But I haven’t communicated with my father in about 30 years so what the hell do I know? ;)
July 8th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Dawg, that’s a brilliant idea… They don’t make Squishy Clock but they make Squishy Donuts and Squishy T-Bone Steak! I’d buy him a Squishy Giant Chocolate Moose with a note that says “have fun finding a place for him!” if I knew he wouldn’t just put it right into the trash. (I’m not kidding, he would do that.)
HGirl, meh. I don’t want to see him. I might look for a Dad gift basket and send him that. He hates gift baskets, but he hates not getting gifts more.
Empanada, maybe I should go hang out at my brother’s on my dad’s birthday and wait for my brother to call him then just yell “happy birthday, Dad!” from across the room while I play Wii with my niece.
July 8th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Why bother with “good one” ?
Seriously, though. It might be a stupid idea, but I’m an advocate of the truth. Maybe it would at least further things if you’d just send him a card saying that it’s impossible to find a gift that will make him happy.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I’d send a cookie bouquet or something & call it good… but could you bring out the old Poppy for me? I’m at a loss for my dad.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Creature, excellent point.
Tug, I just sent Dawg a cookie bouquet as (one of) his birthday present(s), but with a funny saying. I can’t send my dad who I don’t care for the same gift I just sent my boyfriend who I love with all of my little heart. That’d be a mixed message for everyone involved. As for your dad: Get him this, he’ll love it.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I go e-card… it says, “I could barely be bothered”
July 8th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
On the otherhand, both the old and the new Poppy’s are much nicer than I.
July 8th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I say don’t send him anything and call a day later with “so sorry I missed it, hope you had a good one, ok gotta go bye!”
Sometimes, you just gotta say screw them, and move on. Not everyone was born to be a good person, but sometimes those lousy people produce awesoem children, like you, poppy….
July 8th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I can so relate to this situation. After years of trying to create some sort of normal relationship between my parents and myself, I finally gave up this year. I feel more at peace than I ever have before and my life is drama-free. Yay! Oh, and as for E-cards, back when my mom used to actually acknowledge my birthday, it would be with a late E-card with a note explaining how busy she had been… who knew an unemployed person who goes nowhere and does nothing could be so busy? Anyway, I think you should do whatever makes you happy. If that means not sending him a card or buying him a present, so be it. Do what you need to do and don’t feel bad about it! :)
July 8th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I like the new Poppy.
I like the ecard idea.
Or maybe a giftcard for a restaurant?!
July 8th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Why bother at all? I think NOT acknowledging it at in any way, shape or form, sends the perfect message.
July 8th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
E-cards are nice, but http://www.someecards.com/ really says, “You had a what day? When? Really? Oh. Whatever.”
July 8th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
My mother got an email for Mother’s Day that said only the following:
“Happy Mother’s Day.”
Nothing more, nothing less. She didn’t even deserve that.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Toxic family sucks. E-card is my vote – nothing exciting, nothing cute (he doesn’t deserve your humor), and nothing sentimental. Just a generic “I’m acknowledging the day you and many other people were born.” Period.
Or you could have Dave2 drawn him a card with the monkey flinging poo on his birthday cake. Meh.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
That sucks. A couple years ago, my mom actually told me and my sisters not to buy birthday gifts or Mother’s Day/Father’s Day gifts for either of them. They have everything they need, and they’re impossible to buy for. I took her at her word and haven’t bought them anything but Christmas gifts since then. It’s very refreshing.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Send a card. Simple easy – send it so it gets there late. Like you remembered -but just not soon enough. and make it a 99 cent card since he probably won’t pay attention to it.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I agree with the above. I learned the hard way that certain family members don’t change – they just get older.
July 8th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I have no relationship with my father and that is solely by my choice. I had to cut the tie. It took ten years of consideration and after I did it, I wondered what took me so damn long. When his wife invited me to his birthday three years after I made the split, I responded like this: “If I thought he would be any different at 80 than he was at 77, I’d be there. But he won’t be. So neither will I.”
I’ve never looked back.
July 8th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
My dad would LOVE that thing! My mom would probably turn all shades of red & go hide in a corner…
hmmmmm…
July 8th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Maman, if I can find an ecard that feels right I will send it. Otherwise, no ecard.
Cissa, screw them! Heh. Yah… good advice.
SH, I remember you mentioning a little bit about your family before you took away the blog. I am so glad for you that you made the choice to keep you sane and healthy. Trying to maintain contact can be so physically and emotionally draining…
Sybil, is this one good?
Sour, honestly, it’s to mildly placate. He randomly showed up at my apartment the weekend before last. I was out of town so there was a mild confrontation between him and my landlord. I had to apologize to my landlord for that. My dad knows I don’t appreciate the drop-in. He knows he should call first or make arrangements in email or text. … And yet he comes over and makes things difficult for me by being rude to my landlord. I just want the problem to go away, and it kinda will when I’m 300+ miles away in a city he point blank said to my and Dawg’s face he won’t ever visit.
ACW, those cards are great! I am totally gonna check those out and see if any quite work rather than this kitten card.
Abs, my Father’s Day gift to him… was already more than I should have given. I gave him the link to the photos that mean so much to me on Flickr, with an explanation of how much those mean to me. His response: “I’ll bookmark that.” (Not “I bookmarked it, thanks for sharing 3 years of your life with me!” Read between the lines: “Thanks for nothing.”)
Kris, toxic family does suck. I think a Dave2 card would be PERFECT, actually… hmmmmmmm. Or maybe I should just send him a deck of Dave2 cards. That would confuse the shit out of him.
Stef, my mom and stepdad did that when they moved to Florida! But I think they received complaints from my stepdad’s kiddos because they never quite went through with it. I think it’s a brilliant idea, especially in this economy.
Sparky, can I send him a card “from the grandkitties” like I almost did for Father’s Day?
Robin, you’re right. Plain and simple.
Stella, I wish it never came to that. I had high hopes a few years back that we’d be getting along famously by now. Oh well.
Tug, I knew it! Too bad it’s $2700. That’s a bit of a high price to pay to turn your mom all shades of red.
July 9th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Poppy!
That one is awesome!!!
My God I have to remember that one for Gilda!
I am telling you, if you met my girl you two would get along so well… and then ignore me… sniff…