I’ve known since I was 10 years old that I would die when I was 92. I don’t know why, I’ve just always had that sense. And the Death Clock confirms this: December 15, 2077.
Death and I are not quite friends yet. When I was eight my mom’s boyfriend’s son shot himself in the head while drunk. He was in a coma for many days. We all held out hope that he would make it through, but his body couldn’t recover. He left behind a 4-year-old son.
I didn’t understand at the time, but this is when I started having anxiety attacks and really being scared of death. I saw what death left behind and I couldn’t cope.
I still can’t cope.
Dawg let me preview his post for today and I melted down. Every day is a gift, which is why it hurts my heart to be in this holding pattern, this limbo, of living it.
Any accomplishments I have made since one year ago mean nothing if I’m not living each day to its potential. Each hurdle I’ve jumped over or success I’ve had keeps getting thrown into a pile and sideways glanced, but I’m not really bothering to pay attention to it. I’m always hurrying to the The Next Big Thing.
Time to take a breath and enjoy the life I have, appreciate the people in my life, and stop trying to put life on hold until The Next Big Thing is accomplished.
I
you… anxiety, meltdowns, huge hurdles and all.
But you need to give yourself credit… you’ve done more to better your life than you realize (and no, I don’t mean finding me… even if I am the best thing since sliced white bread
) and that in itself is making everyday a gift.
P.S.
1st Comment!!! Woo-hoo!!!
I would offer a hug but I understand there’s no touching?
According to the death clock, I only have until age 79. Weird, given that my grandma just died at 96.
I know that was not the point of your post. I’m not sure what else to say except that I think you ARE on the right track and taking the right chances and making the most of your life. Just keep it up, Poppy. :-)
I’m with you….soak up every minute you have here on Earth. (The clock has me dying at 103, btw).
And weird how you have that feeling. My uncle (my hero), told God when he was a little boy that he wanted to live until he was 55 (which probably seemed very old to him at the time, lol) and have lots of beautiful women.
Well, he definitely accomplished the latter, and he passed away from lung cancer in 2005. He was 55 exactly.
You’ll be enjoying your potential soon enough!
I’m really glad that none of you are bothering to do math or to call me out on my math, but point being I’m supposed to live until I’m “old”. I don’t care that the Death Clock technically says I’ll live to 103 (I used a calculator, that’s what it says), I’m still dying at 92. It’s my destiny.
Dawg, you have no idea how wonderful it is to know that you love me even with all of my “flaws”. Or, do you? And, in my book, sliced white bread can’t even touch you.
(PS - 6th! WOOT!)
Empanada, it’s ok, you can give me a hug if you don’t grope me. And thanks for that. :)
Stef, I can’t imagine that you’re only living to 79. You chose something other than “optimistic” didn’t you… Just turn that glass to half full and you’ll live to 250.
BB, technically the clock has me dying at 103 as well. I bet we gave exactly the same answers, other than the date of our birth. I just want to live out my days with Dawg, which means he’s NOT allowed to die in 2019 like the Death Clock says. BAD DEATH CLOCK.
Avi, I could be enjoying my potential now if I stopped worrying that I always had more potential to enjoy, but… I’m looking forward to that potential, I can’t lie.
Monday, April 30, 2040
That would make me 69.
*giggles*
Amen, Poppy.
You are awesome.
I will apparently make it until my 55th birthday but not much further.
The problem with that meter is that it doesn’t look at the rest of my family. Like my 3/4 of my grandparents made it to at least 80. Or my 101 year old grandmother.
Mikey, it figures you’re dying at a dirty age…
Dragon,
Sybil, as are you.
Maman, 55 is a nice age, but too soon. My recommendation: Drink more wine.
I’m moved by this, but once again not further qualified to comment.
I can’t do the clock. I don’t even want to know, even if it is just a game; it just creeps me out. I am a wuss.
I hope you and Dawg both live to 103.
I saw Dawg’s post on this and now yours. The funny thing is that you never really know when you are going to die. I always had a sense I would be thirty, and I am past that age now.
But you said it, every day is a gift. Too bad people don’t see that more.