This post is going to make absolutely no sense to many of you. I cannot care about that this time. Just chalk it up to quirky Poppy for now. Thank you.
I don’t know how to feel. I keep finding myself hoping I’m doing this right. And feeling selfish for feeling anything at all.
Poppy, there is no right or wrong way to feel about this.
That’s not comforting.
Tonight I smoked half of one of the cigarettes I keep in case of dire emotional distress emergencies then I intentionally burned a bag of popcorn and threw it out the window to blame the smell on that in case the landlords came over (as they randomly do). After that I binged on salt and vinegar chips, popsicles, and mint Milanos while I shredded old receipts and junk mail with my new shredder I bought after work. While still in full binge mood I turned off all the lights and climbed into bed with Ripley and wondered how I would ever sleep again.
I woke up two hours later. Here I am.
I am trying to decide if I’m going to stick notes on the doors saying “you really absolutely need to leave me alone this weekend” and leave my earplugs in to keep my audio sensitivity from going over its edge or if I should take off to my grandmother’s house and camp out there with the comfort of her cooking (“Steffie, there’s tater tots and pot pies in the freezer”) and Jeopardy and her blissful ignorance of this weekend’s meaning. Maybe I should take off to Break Boy’s since no one is there for the weekend except the animals. Either place results in no cell phone coverage, but at least Break Boy has WiFi. I guess we’ll see how it goes. I just don’t know.
I still have no idea what to do with myself. I have plans, but have no idea which one/s I will choose. #1 plan is to drop everything and do anything Dawg asks of me if he calls. #2 plan is clear out my entire apartment of everything superfluous so it can be shown. #3 plan is something Britt recommended while she was under fever’s spell (thank you again, thank you thank you thank you) that I’m scared to do alone so I hope to do it but if I don’t then at least I knew I had the option. #4 plan is to run away. I’m hoping to not have to activate #4, but maybe a mini runaway as suggested above.
I might go for a drive with music cranked so loud it hurts my ears. I did that on the way home and I just didn’t care, in fact I was thinking to myself it reminded me that I am alive. 
I just don’t know.
I know life will just happen, time will pass, and I’ll just do what I do and that’s that. I am a strong person, I will persevere. I will be here for those who need me. Rock. Solid. Ready and waiting for the lean.
And I will cry. That is inevitable. But I am not too delicate to help you through this, whatever you need.
I’m tempted to close comments on this post. I’m leaving them open so you can have your interaction, but… it’s likely I won’t respond. This post is for me, to get the humming idon’tknowwhattodowithmyself sound out of my head. I really need to use a paper journal… too bad the one and only journal I have is packed away. (Heard of paper, Poppy? [don't have any of that either.])
June 20th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
I don’t have any suggestions, I just wanted to say I hope you’re doing alright.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:00 am
I dunno what you are talking about, but umm, hugs and here’s a virtual margarita for you. Mmmkay?
June 21st, 2008 at 12:17 am
I’m breaking the no-touch Poppy rule here.
Hugs to you kiddo.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:18 am
Being human…being YOU, is just so much GOOD. And right now? It’s all you can do. Be ‘there’. Be YOU. Just be…
You, too, are loved. Please know that.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:20 am
June 21st, 2008 at 1:11 am
I can’t believe you smoked half of a cigarette that’s been lying around for who knows how long. GAK! Must have tasted like rolled leg shavings. And what kind of nazi landlord do you have that won’t let you smoke in your apartment? Report his ass to the fair housing commission for being racist just to get a ding on his record. Just call them up with a really bad accent of your choice and tell them that he refused to rent to “people like you.”
And if this post is about you going to jail, just remember to beat up the toughest bitch on the cell block to boost your cred. And if you have to choose between becoming a Latina Queen or an Aryan Goddess, go with goddess. They usually get more time to pump iron in the yard.
And somehow, gangs in prison seem much less scary if they are Canadian. So try to go to a French Canadian prison, okay?
http://www.insideprison.com/prison-gangs-canada.asp
June 21st, 2008 at 2:08 am
Dude, you just do what you can with whatever you can muster at the moment. And know that all things pass, eventually, and that you are not, ever, alone.
June 21st, 2008 at 2:23 am
Well, yes… you ARE human… very much so… and a great one at that… which is a gooooood thing…
PPH!!!
June 21st, 2008 at 2:26 am
This post makes perfect sense…don’t you worry.
My best to you and Dawg today. Today and forever.
June 21st, 2008 at 6:24 am
Don’t hold back.
June 21st, 2008 at 7:19 am
Just love on your girls and put in some comfort DVDs and eat cheese.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:36 am
I vote for whatever the Poppy wants to do.
I understand being at a loss with what to do with oneself.
I hope you can feel all the good thoughts I am sending to NYC and France.
Snuggle those kitties, eat some cheese and smoke the second half of that ciggy.
Y’all can both quit again on Monday.
Wishing I could make you some mac n cheese, bacon wrapped tots and hug you for real–and use both arms.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:56 am
I don’t know what to say, other than *big hugs*….
I hope you and Dawg will find comfort in each other’s love this weekend.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:16 am
not being able to make it all better for those we love is a special kind of pain. feeling incredibly powerless sucketh so very much and i hate that your kind self is in that position.
much love to you, lovely poppy.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:28 am
When I run away I hike to the tallest mountain around and just sit there for hours watching the world go by.
For some reason when all is chaotic in your world just sitting up there and viewing things from a different perspective has always reminded me that life will always throw curve balls but seeing them from a different view helps to show you the way.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:41 am
Ugh, if I was there I would totally go with you to #3.
Strength and love baby. Strength and love. When you feel like you don’t have enough of it, know that you can draw more of it from us.
June 21st, 2008 at 11:16 am
HUGS.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:08 pm
So this is not a good time… But, even though some things can never be fixed, better time always end up coming around.
June 21st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
You’re in my thoughts today.
June 21st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
…
June 21st, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I would totally hop in my car, turn on some VERY LOUD music and drive to France today just to give you a hug. SERIOUSLY.
Then I’d smoke the butt from the half of that cigarette…in SOLIDARITY.
June 21st, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Oh, and I know there is a no touch Poppy thing but I’m a hugger. I have to HUG EVERYONE. That’s what I DO. I can’t help it. I love HUGS and LOVE.
June 21st, 2008 at 5:36 pm
HUGS!!! hang in there.
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
Vodka always helps. And chocolate.
And kitteh snurgles.
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:56 am
Thank you, everyone.
And a special shoutout to Pat who made me laugh really hard. I appreciate that.
June 22nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
<3 <3 <3
:} :} :}
‘Nuff said
June 22nd, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Hugs. Lotsa hugs.
July 10th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I know that I am late, but if this is about what I think it is about, please feel free to email me.
I think I can understand the situation, though my circumstances are much different, and sometimes just talking to someone removed from the situation can help too.