garbage in/introspection out
It’s never good when the title of your Google Reader page includes “(1000+)” directly after it. I apologize to everyone this affects, but I am clicking the [Mark all as read] button. I am again in the situation I was in summer 2006 of having too much to read. That is a truly overwhelming feeling.
Mantra stolen from my yesterday self: There is always someone having a worse day than you, except the person having the worstestest day.
During this entire conference I interacted with one whole new person for any length of time. Know who that was? It was Ramelia, the lemonade girl. Yesterday I was walking back from lunch and our eyes happened to meet. I said to her, “I wish I hadn’t just had this Coke so I’d want a lemonade.” She said, “I’m here 11 to 3!” I said “great! You leave just as I go on break! I’ll have to come back and see you tomorrow.” Today is tomorrow. I keep my promises worth keeping. First thing I did today was go get a lemonade from her. We talked for a really long time. Topics discussed:
- She works for the hotel, she is not an independent vendor, which explains why she only works that cart 11am-3pm. (I pointed out to her that these are the hottest hours for the sun since she didn’t seem to know why her hours were the way they were… then again, I’d given it a lot of thought since yesterday when she told me, so it makes sense that I would know better than she why she works the hours she does out in the hot, hot sun.)
- She is getting civil unioned either next month or next year in New Jersey, depending on her financial situation. She and her partner will then honeymoon in New York City.
- There are a lot of really bad people in Orlando, hence the reason she carries a baseball bat in her car and her partner carries a dagger. (A dagger. d-a-g-g-e-r.)
- She states that 90% of Orlando Disney staff are gay (gender neutral version). I didn’t say anything, but I kinda doubt that statistic. I’m going lower, Bob.
- She was not aware that France, where I am from, is a civil union state, in fact the very first civil union state in the nation, and that CU partners receive certain spousal benefits. I told her if it wasn’t so fucking cold in France I’d recommend she move there. And then I remembered how fucking unfriendly it is in France and I mentioned that too. But it’s not because of who you sleep with, the whole state’s just fucking unfriendly.
- When I said “my boyfriend lives in New York City” her jaw dropped and she stepped back. She thought I was a lesbian. This happens to me sometimes. I understand why it happens, although it’s very hard for me to explain in words rather than for you to experience first-hand. Sometimes mystery is a wonderful thing to preserve.
- She suggested I go to The Boardwalk to eat at Jellyrolls. (Unfortunately for me class got out early today and they don’t open until 7pm. I didn’t feel like staying out late enough to go there. I’m old and stuff.)
- I wished her good luck with her financial situation so that her civil union could be paid for, she wished me good luck with my certification, and we said we hoped our paths crossed again in the future. (It could happen. We shook hands. People who shake hands are 50% more likely to see each other again. [I made that statistic up.])
I got a sunburn walking around The Boardwalk today. I realized this while writing this post. This explains why I feel hot-in-a-lobster-pot-way.
I look really happy in this lunchtime photo:
Looks can be deceiving, or at least not forthcoming of entire situations. I’m having moments of extreme unhappiness on this trip. Despite my life going really well in general I am reminded that when I go on long trips completely alone I bottom out emotionally. It doesn’t matter how much phone talking or emailing (or any of those other ways to virtually communicate) I do, I need to physically be around people I know and care about to rejuvenate me. And I miss the kitties desperately. I found cat hair in my laptop bag today and I almost burst into tears.
I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that you can be happy in life but get so down in a particular moment that you are miserable. The Human Condition is fucked up. I’m happy to have lows so I truly appreciate the highs, but… at least have there be a concrete reason for those lows. I’ve been taking my vitamins, I had protein today, I had water, I had plenty of sleep, I had my awesome daily talk time with Dawg (twice!), I know the kitties are safe and sound, I know I’m going home soon, I know I’m healthy… so what the effing a fuck do I have to be so fucking sad about?
That right there was a rhetorical question. And I’m giving myself a hard time because it frustrates the hell out of me to know people are going through some really rough shit that I’m not going through and somehow I get to be all princessy “wah, I’m sad”? No. NO. no. This is why I’m mad at me. Just let me be mad at me. Thanks.
Moving on… Here’s the number one reason why I’m not talking a lot about what’s been going on in my class. Besides, many of you would be bored to tears reading about it, although I know some of you would totally dork out with me if we could have a little comment chat about it. I wish I had a BBS right this minute. I know there are other ways to achieve the same thing, but I got an email from a genie earlier who said I’d get 3 wishes if I visited his website and clicked on “grant my three wishes!” so I did.
(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)
(hi. i’m a dork.)
Ok, that’s enough for now.
I don’t really think sadness can be measured. It’s okay to be sad sometimes - it’s vital, even. Good to get out, too. the reason is irrelevant.
But the picture rocks!!! Cute Poppy!
Oh and I thought it was just me you weren’t visiting. Haha
I have been hit on a crazy amount of times for threesomes with a guy and girl. I don’t know what that says about me! (Not a lesbian just a slut?! But I’ve never done them! Pun intended!)
Good post, Poppy.
Mmmm… interesting Lemonade Lady… very interesting.
BTW… Chewbacca… he was a wookie…
I completely agree with you on the “moments of sadness”. I honestly think it has to do with being apart from the one you love. My bf is a truck driver and is very often not here. When the one you love is somewhere else, you feel unsettled. You know enough of life to know that there is always the possibility of things NOT turning out the way you have planned, even if it’s highly unlikely. I think you will feel less of the emotional roller coaster when you and Dawg are in the same place most of the time. Just my opinion, of course, but what you wrote could totally be written by me.
Enjoy the sun!
J.
I’m impressed with your ability to click the “mark all as read” button. Sweet, sweet freedom.
Ah–pretty Poppy in the sun;-)
I’m looking at my Reader number which is currently 424–I’m thinking I’m gonna have to hit the button.
I’m a person who does quite well alone but i can understand it if you don’t. of course I’d MUCH rather be making good use of a king size bed and yummy hotel sheets and some really good massage oil and ice and …oh…have i said too much *giggling*
Hm, I hope your new beverage buddy isn’t heterophobic !
Moments of sadness… You know, I’m wondering if it’s not some sort of undiscovered chemical imbalance or metabolism malfunction. That sort of thing happens.
Then again, it could also be a symptom of a bigger, surpressed emotional problem, possible related to anxiety.
And finally, there is the very real possibility that I don’t really know what I’m talking about.
I have my Reader broken into groups of “Must Reads”, “2nd Tier”, “3rd Tier”, and “Read if Time Available”. Makes it much easier to mark groups of them read and still keep my favorites.
Do you want to do dinner or something again this week? Just let me know, and I’ll come over there.
I think you were channelling me. Yesterday sucked.
I’m sorry that I’m not up to answering everyone individually, but I just want to say:
I am fine alone when I am home because from day to day I see familiar faces. It’s when I’m at a place where I basically know no one and there’s that extra effort to make connections with people. Day 1 here I kept thinking to myself, “I love Dawg and the kitties but this being completely alone thing is fucking AWESOME!” And then the days went by and the sadness crept in.
I am completely self sufficient, but time completely alone from familiar faces means you have no one to just blurt to. If I leave things trapped inside my head I go absolutely insane. They need to come out. I DON’T HAVE NETWORK ACCESS DURING THE DAY because this is a hacker conference and you have to be fucking joking me if you expect me to turn on wireless in the classroom, so I can’t even blog stuff out of my brain. All I have is my phone to txt with and it’s kinda rude to txt all day, not to mention hard to type out notes and pay attention if you’re doing said txting. Creature hit the nail on the head — I do have anxiety issues. I’ve had them since I was a kid. I get anxious, I have to talk myself down from the anxiety attack ledge. I am more prone to blowing something very small into a very large deal if I’m not careful. If I don’t have familiar people surrounding me who by their mere presence keep me in check I fall down the anxiety path way too easily without realizing it until I’m so far down it I don’t know what direction to go in to get off the path quickly. (Does that even make sense to people who *don’t* have anxiety issues? Probably not.)
Avi, I’m leaving my hotel tomorrow morning at 4:40am. I promise this wasn’t a “honeypot” post trying to trick you into offering to see me again. In fact, tonight all I want to do is prepare all my stuff to go back with me on the plane. So, I truly appreciate your offer, but I’ll see you in two weekends. BTW, publicly acknowledged: Thank you for Saturday. Thank you for dinner. Thank you for Jigsaw. Thank you for TV. Thank you for driving like a crazy man but not getting us killed (I enjoyed that, no screaming from the backseat ;).
D, I can’t wait to give you the present I got for you. And thanks for all those Chewbacca yawns yesterday. *giggle*
I just wrote a whole post in my comments.
So just one more sleep until kitties and just two more sleeps until Dawg?
Turnbaby,
Thank you for putting it into perspective.
I’m all about two sleeps sugar
and you are welcome.
While I can’t sympathize on the alone thing, I totally get the whole anxiety-mountain-from-a-molehill thing. I always have to keep myself in check so I don’t over-dramatize everything in my brain. Sometimes familiar faces help with it, sometimes not. I think being able to identify these issues within ourselves is good, though. Can you imagine if we were in denial about it?
I’m happy you’re coming back to us soon!
………..
Oh, and your conversation with the lemonade lady sounds like it was a very enjoyable experience!
(I just discovered that I like the ‘edit your comment’ feature on Wordpress)
But if you mark all “Read,” you’ll miss… Aw, hell, you won’t miss anything too important from me. Stupid boy, stupid coworkers, stupid Stefanie… you know, the usual. ;-)
I wouldn’t worry about feeling lonely. It happens. It’s not a fatal flaw. Have a safe trip home!
Pop-pay –
I am so with you on this one. I many time feel lucky to post … even luckier to visit … and overwhelmed with joy to find time to post comments on other’s blogs.
Things are leveling out though. I should be more regular from now on … and I don’t mean poop. I just mean …
You know what I mean.
Yes?
Your site just scolded me for posting too quickly.
Did I ever tell you that you remind me of Holden Caulfield?
Orland-ho is fucked up and yes there are bad people there. It was a necessary evil for me to work over there for a couple of years but I do not miss it at all. Over on the east coast of Florida is much nicer :). You should come over to the beach side where it is much more relaxing.
I understand you completely when you talk of sadness amidst a happy life, or snowballing anxiety, as I think of it. You know of a lot of the stress I have been through in the last couple of years with the house, and then there is stress with work too, and all of the other stressors in life. I manage it all really well and everything is fine for the most part, but sometimes a little thing can snowball into a mountain of negativity. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is only Andy that gets to witness my infrequent meltdowns. Sometimes it all just gets to be too much and I can’t take it anymore, and I have to freak out a little. I try to be so strong and together and on top of things, but sometimes it all breaks down, if only for an hour or two.
Last Friday night it was triggered by the wild party that was going on next door after I had been kept awake almost all night by the same thing only two nights prior.
You are not alone in the way you feel at all.
Don’t feel bad about clicking the “mark all as read” button. I mean…none of my posts were in there, probably…but rest assured that when I’m not posting, I’m probably also not reading (this would be why I’m reading all your posts for the last month in one day).
It’s weird how we create these obligations for blog reading.
Is it pathetic that I almost burst into tears when I read that you almost burst into tears when you found cat hair in your laptop bag?
K, I don’t think it’s pathetic that you almost burst into tears. That’s actually incredibly sweet.