This was the post for yesterday, but since I stayed home sick I decided to pull it. Unfortunately, I’ve suddenly become very popular for lunch so the next time I’ll see my brother is next Friday at the earliest, so instead of waiting an entire week to post this, and lose the feel of it for me personally, I’m posting it today. Enjoy this rare snapshot into my family life.
Today I am seeing my brother for lunch. He and I work across the street from each other at rival businesses. We always know we’re just a short walk away from each other, but in the 5.5 years I’ve worked where I work we’ve only had lunch less times than the fingers and thumb of one hand. Why? Well, it’s that life is too busy and we know where to find each other if we really need something and we don’t really take lunch very much anyway. This time my excuse to visit him is that my aunt gave me a present for my brother mere hours after I had just seen my brother for Christmas plus I have to return his CDs (The Chemical Brothers) and DVDs (Daft Punk and The 4400).
While in the kitchen pouring myself a cup of fantastic coffee last night I suddenly flashed back to Christmas day when the topic of our parents’ divorce came up. My brother mentioned during this conversation that, even though he was only 9 years old, he was asked by my parents which one of them he wanted to live with (this I have known for a few years now, but didn’t know all the time I was growing up) and that he chose to live with my dad first and foremost for me, so that I would have a chance at a better life (this I did not know before Christmas day). That statement was very painful to hear.
My brother was (and still is) ADHD. He used to set fire to things (including his own bed blanket), used to hurt people (shoved a Saltines cracker into Mom’s eye), used to hurt himself (threw himself out a window on the second floor of our home and broke his leg), used to break into the locked basement to play with power tools (he once used an electric jigsaw to cut through its own cord, and somehow didn’t die), and lots of other really dangerous things I don’t necessarily know about or remember. My parents were so overwhelmed by my brother that they didn’t have another baby (me) for 6 and 3/4 years. I’m basically lucky I exist, because my parents very nearly stopped at one child.
So when I was barely 3 years old and my parents decided to call it quits, my brother had it in his head that he was a very difficult child and that my father would be lonely with no children so he chose to go with my dad and spare me and my mom the difficulty of an ADHD child. Spare. Me and my mom. He thought I would have a better life growing up without him because Mom would be able to focus on me.
And in this moment we shared on Christmas day, my mouth just hung open with the words on the tip of my tongue, “but Big Brother, I needed you, too…” Instead of saying anything more on the subject, instead of making him feel bad for the heroic and sacrificial act of his 9-year-old self, I looked down at the floor with him as we morosely sighed and silently rationalized that what’s done is done, we have each other now, and that we both turned out pretty great considering our circumstances.
But I still can’t help wondering what it would have been like to grow up with my big brother in my daily life.
That is really bittersweet and touching!
But for the record, my brother is bipolar, and also 6 years older than me, and growing up with him was not fun!
Tough one there… But not to sound like an ass. You have each other now… maybe making the effort will bring y’all closer?
Wow… That is one of those life-defining moments, isn’t it ? I don’t have the audacity to imagine what it must be like, but it’s clear that the relevance is profound.
I don’t know if he made the right decision, but it obviously was the decision of a gentle heart.
And yes, I use big words to inflate the little bit I can say.
Wow. Heavy stuff for Poppy Cedes. I can’t even imagine a nine-year-old kid could be that mature and selfless. Sucks that you didn’t know the full story at the time, but you were six; you wouldn’t really have understood what was going on anyway. I’m glad you’ve reconnected as you’ve gotten older.
Sybil, I think he probably did the right thing, I just wish we’d played a more active part in each other’s growing up. Like, at least living in the same town so when the bullies came after me I could just say his name and they’d leave me alone.
Geek, no assiness received, it’s a great point. And we do see each other as much as we choose to see each other. I love my brother to pieces, and that’s enough for me.
Creature, definitely a life defining moment, and “right” is completely subjective. He made a pretty rational decision for a 9-year-old!
Stef, I was actually only three. (He’s 6 3/4 years older.) I am very glad we’ve reconnected. He’s my favorite family member, tied with my mom. And he’s a role model. His life now is a complete 180. He’s completely responsible and compassionate and giving and (gushy other words that landed him an article in our big paper once).
Gah. I can read, and I can do math. I don’t know why I typed “six.”
I’m trying to decide which emoticon is most appropriate for that. This one, perhaps? (Aimed at me, not you, of course.)
Also, I just realized I am getting dangerously close to the bottom of your Top Commenters list. I’d better step it up! ;-)
I know you can do math, but I did type 6 and 3/4 so it looks like I was 6 3/4. I’m tricky that way.
You’re not a loser. And I won’t argue with you about commenting more, although I think you did an AWESOME job over the holiday break when you were catching up! I suddenly had 10 Stef emails all at once, or something crazy like that! But, new year and new month knock you back down to the bottom. 
“…what’s done is done, we have each other now, and that we both turned out pretty great considering our circumstances.”
That’s the right attitude to have & to move on from there. It’s great that you have a relationship now & that he’s one of your favourite family members.
Heart-touching story…
Look forward, and realize how lucky you are to have each other now. It’s always easy to ’see’ our past at this age, and with our knowledge now…but as you know - it could have been nice, it could have been a nightmare. For everything there’s a reason…and your past (without your brother growing up being part of it) is why you’re the person you are now - and I, for one, like that person.
This story made me cry. I’m glad that you have each other now.
Sour, agreed. My brother rocks.
Wah, thanks.
Tug, hi! And an excellent point, which is why I am really glad I didn’t open my mouth and stick my foot in it by making him feel bad for not choosing to be with me and Mom. He’s right about everything being focused on him if he’d lived with me. I’d be a very different person.
Geeky, your reaction surprised me. Thank you, I’m glad we have each other now too.
It’s amazing to think of a child that young being able to think of someone else like that. As the mother of an eight year old boy that I constantly worry about because he seems oblivious to the feelings of those around him, I’m in awe.
My brother is spectacularly selfless. Now I miss him. Ugh.